The Terror In a Book. But Who Knew?

I'm reading a book called Switching Time by Richard Baer, M.D. It's the true story of a woman with MPD (now called DID in the DSM V, but I've never liked that designation for it; MPD is a much better descriptor for the disorder), and it's written from the perspective of her treating psychiatrist (he's the author). At the time this story was written (1989) she had seventeen separate personalities. 

The reason I'm writing about it here is because, as I'm reading, I find myself being triggered by things I read on almost every page - something I had no idea would happen when I began the book. It turns out that Karen 3 (the main alter/core personality) and everyone else in her system of alters were victims of ritual abuse, along with all the other unspeakable things that were done to them by the father, grandfather, and other relatives and friends. The only one who didn't actually abuse her/them was the mother, but she did absolutely nothing to protect Karen from the people who did abuse her, and she did abuse her verbally and emotionally. In addition, in the portion of the book that I've read thus far, the mother's behavior suggests she was aware that the father and the grandfather were abusing Karen - which makes her inaction on her daughter's behalf more than simple neglect or denial (the mother denying to herself that Karen was being abused despite any evidence to the contrary). If Karen's mother knew she was being abused and chose to do nothing to stop it - no matter the reason - then, at least for me (my opinion, for what little it's worth), her inaction was criminal.

The other thing I'm discovering as I read this book has to do with issues of trust. While it took several years for Karen 3's various alters to be able to fully trust Dr. Baer, they were able to do certain things right from the beginning that I've never been able to do with any therapist no matter how long I've been seeing him or her. What I'm referring to is in the area of talking about sexual matters, and specifically, using the biological words for sexual body parts. I can't even say those words by myself or with my doctor - and I've been seeing her since 1992. I trust her about as much as I trust anyone in areas concerning my health, but even so, I can't talk to her about sexual matters, even after all this time.

I have some ideas about why this is such a difficult issue for me, but I don't know if the reasons I know about are the only reasons there are for why this is such a problem. If I'm going to be bluntly honest, there's a part of me that wants to be free of this, but there's another part that doesn't because I'm flat-out terrified.

So that's pretty much it, at least for the part of the book that I've read. Who knew reading a simple book would reveal so much stuff, though I suppose I should have expected it given that it's a true story about a woman who has MPD, and who was a victim of ritual abuse. But I didn't know that when I decided to read the book. I just bought this book because it was about someone with MPD. Oh well. I'm always open to learning new things about myself, and that's what's happening as I'm reading this book.

And on and on I'll read, and hopefully, on and on I'll learn...