Lily Gets A New Home - And New Air!

Since I started moving my stuff into my new apartment, I've noticed that everytime I'm out there - at the Barrington Place complex, though not so much in the apartment itself, I'm tormented by thoughts and fears of being spied upon, like voyeurism, attacked and/or raped on the grounds of my new apartment complex, etc., etc. It's a constant battle to combat the fears, and I don't understand why it's happening. I've done the best I can to pray before making any decisions about where to live, and I prayed about moving to Barrington Place - if I should or not. It seemed like the doors opened and God made a way for it to happen when there was no way in the natural - I passed the credit check and they rented to me when I had no job.

So whether I'm supposed to be there or not, I am. It's too late to back out. I've signed the lease, signed it for a year. I asked Pastor Jack about it - why I would be encountering this kind of spiritual warfare - and he said that maybe God wants me to pray for Rancho Cucamonga. That makes sense. So I guess that's what I'll do!

I'm going to sleep there for the first time tonight, and I'm moving Lily there permanently as of tonight. The whole point of making this move now instead of later is because of the mold problem in my apartment in Irvine, and specifically because of how it's affecting Lily's breathing. It's been affecting her breathing for a very long time. I can only hope that her respiratory system isn't permanently damaged because I delayed for so long. I'm just going to have to trust in the Lord that she'll be all right. When I took her to the vet a couple of weeks ago, Dr. Peth said she's in very good health, inspite of her breathing problems, which surprised me and left me feeling quite relieved. However, that doesn't make the urgency of getting her out of my Irvine apartment, and into my new apartment where the air quality is better any less. So we will make the move this evening. It'll be fun to see how she reacts to the new environment in the apartment in Rancho Cucamonga.

Life is great and God is good!

The Childhood That Wasn't, And the Self-Pity That I Can't

Every once in awhile I begin to reflect on my life, sometimes not such a good idea, and when I do that I realize some of the things I've lost. Things like the ability to feel and act in feminine ways, the ability to have a relationship with people in general, and with a man specifically, plus I never had a childhood. My innocence was stolen before I was even born.

I don't want to get bogged down in self-pity, but sometimes I feel sad because there are some things I can never get back, some things I'll never get to experience. While there are some things that God can replace, heal, and/or make up for, there are others that are irreplaceable. Certainly God can heal my inability to have relationships, especially in the area of relationships with men, and He can heal my problems with femininity, though I don't quite know how--but I guess that part isn't really my problem. But I'll never be able to have a childhood now. That's been robbed from me forever, and that's the part that hurts the most.

I think I'll just have to give the hurt, and the fact that I can't ever get it back, and that it was stolen from me, and how much it bothers me, and everything else about it to God. Because feeling sorry for myself  doesn't help me at all. It just holds me back and hinders my progress, and it makes me depressed and sad, and I really don't need that. I have too much to do all the time to get bogged down by depression and self-pity.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'll give it all to God. He's much better at dealing with all that heavy stuff anyway. Plus, if I give it all to God, then He'll have the pain and the worry of it all, so it won't bother me anymore--at least that's the idea. It might sound simplistic, but I've found that it actually does work most of the time, and the times when it doesn't work, it's because I'm missing it in some way. Because God's Word always works, and He always keeps His Word. He always keeps His promises, and He's always faithful.

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."~~Hebrews 11:6, NKJV. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."~~Hebrews11:1, NKJV.

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him for He cares for you."~~I Peter 5:6-7; NKJV

 I don't really care that much if God exalts me. All I'm really interested in is pleasing Him. That's all I've ever wanted is to please God.

Anyway, that's about it. God is good, all the time!!

He's Not a Monster, a Monster He's Not!

Wow. Just wow. 

I saw Jeff today. I had asked him to read my post about our last session. You know, the one where he said that breasts were used during sex for creation--an idea with which I heartily disagree, especially when it concerns sex with children. He said other things that made me angry as well, but that was probably the most egregious of the things he said.

Anyway, the first thing he did at the beginning of my session today was to thank me for my honesty--for being honest about feeling angry at him for last session. And then he asked me to forgive him if anything he'd said last time had hurt me in anyway. I was so surprised that my mouth almost fell open. He's the first therapist out of the thirty-nine or so that I've seen over the years who has ever, ever actually had the humility to apologize for something he said or did, and I didn't even have to ask him to, and he never once told me that I was angry about it because of transference, thus absolving himself of any blame in the interaction. He just took responsibility immediately. Wow! Just wow!

It was a new and different experience for me. I didn't know how to act! I wonder if it'll ever happen like that again? It let me know that maybe I can trust him. I'm still afraid to talk about the icky stuff, but at least I know that he's not as scary as I thought he was after last session. He felt like a monster after last session.

So maybe he's not. I'm so glad! I didn't want to have to change things, and now I know that I don't. Yippee!!

The Mysteries of Moving and Thermostats

I started moving in to my new apartment this afternoon. I took one of my drawings and hung it on the wall in the diningroom, and then I ran two loads of laundry, a load of underwear and a load of socks. The socks are still drying as I'm writing this. I took a couple of boxes from my storage space and emptied them. One of them had glasses and the other had china. From now on I'm going to go to my storage space and take a few boxes with me before I go to my new place. 

I met my next-door neighbor while I was there. I was trying to haul some boxes up the stairs just as she came out of her apartment, and she offered to help me get them inside my front door. Her name is Brenda, and she seemed very nice.

I took a bunch of pictures while I was there, and I tried to figure out the thermostat, but was unable to. I got it going enough to get the temperature down to 77 degrees (it was 84 degrees when I got there), and set the time correctly, but that was the extent of it.

I'm supposed to write 500 words, especially since I didn't write anything yesterday, but it's after midnight and I have to leave for therapy by 9 am tomorrow morning, so I don't think I'm going to make  500 words today. I think I'm doing good to think up as many as I've written thus far.

I'm so grateful to God for all He's done for me! I managed to make it to the bank and get the cashier's check, and then get to my storage space and get some things out, and go to Trader Joe's to get some orange juice and go to the market to get laundry soap--all before going to Barrington Place to sign my lease!

So now it's time to go to bed…

Thank you, Jesus!!

God's Goodness In a Move

I'm moving. Yes, I found a new place to live, or at least it's new to me. Yippee!! It's located in Rancho Cucamonga, which is located in San Bernardino County. I'll be signing the lease and getting my keys on Friday (this is Tuesday).

It's a cute place, and it's better than my current apartment in every detail. The rent is lower and it's a larger place by about 400 square feet. It has one bedroom plus a loft space, which I plan on turning into an art studio. The bedroom has a walk-in closet, and the bedroom and the loft both have ceiling fans. It also has central heating and air conditioning. The loft has lots of windows which can all be opened, so the light is wonderful and I can keep the air fresh, which will be good if I'm painting in oils or using pastels, plus it's a large room, which will be good for spreading out. 

It also has a full-size washer and dryer already installed in the unit, so I won't have to rent them. The kitchen has all the appliances, including a gas stove, and granite countertops. And it has it's own private garage right below the apartment. I won't have to share a garage space with anyone anymore, which means I won't have to deal with people leaving the garage door open when I want it closed anymore! Thank you, Jesus! God is SOOO GOOD!!!

I've been looking for a place for a couple of years. I had looked at this complex before, when I first started looking. It's called Barrington Place, and I really liked it the first time I saw it. What attracted me to it the first time was this same floor-plan; they've named it the Kensington - the one bedroom plus loft. The only reason I didn't jump at it back then was because the rent was a little too high. It was lower than what I'm paying now, but with Lily-rent, etc., it would have been within about twenty dollars of what I'm paying now. But when I checked back over the weekend they had a Kensington renting for almost a hundred dollars less than what I'm paying now, so I decided I'd better check it out. 

There was only one other place that I was considering, on the outskirts of Riverside, that was as nice as Barrington Place is. That complex didn't have any loft-type apartments, but they had a lot of different two bedroom floor-plans. The apartments were very nice, and the rents were good as well, but I finally decided I wanted the loft. I've been wanting a loft-type apartment for a very long time, years even, and now my wish is coming true. 

As I said, I'm planning on making the loft into an art studio, and then I'm going to set myself a goal of doing some kind of art in that studio everyday. I already have quite a number of unfinished projects that have been sitting around for a long time, plus I have a lot of ideas for projects that I've been wanting to make, also for a long time.

Mostly what I'm hoping for is that I'll be able to break through whatever emotional barriers have kept me from being able to work and create. If I can do that, with God's help, of course--I wouldn't want to do it without Him - then I'll be unstoppable, with all the glory going to God!

Five Hundred Words Per Day

Five hundred words per day. I found this Facebook group called "My 500 Words". It's a closed group that's designed to help writers become better and more disciplined at their craft. It's closed so you have to ask permission from the group administrator to join. It's stated purpose and goal, to quote, is:

My 500 Words is a 31-day challenge designed to help you develop a daily writing habit and become a better writer.

You're supposed to write your five hundred words and then post that you've done it on the My 500 Words Facebook page, so you can get encouragement from other writers participating in the project as well. You can write about anything you want, and you're not supposed to edit it as you write. You're just supposed to let the words flow.

So here I am, writing my first five hundred words, and, while it's taking me a very long time to write them, at least I'm working at it. It usually does take me a long time to produce a blog post, and I'm wondering if that's part of the reason why it's difficult for me to write.

I went to a really cool thing at church tonight. It was called "Comedy and the Constitution", and it was definitely hilariously funny, while being very serious at the same time.

And then I wrote this not-very-good poem:

           Five Hundred Words

Words and letters spilling out
Tumbling through the littered spout
Onto the paper, must needs make sense
Though sense is but a wall to one so dense. 

So scrivening onward, pushing pen to write,
Word upon word, sense will blight
But all else is dimmed save numbered lines
And thus are saved by five hundred times.

And on I write in salad's stead
Or steely march of soldiers' tread,
Sense or nonsense, makes no mind.
Just pump out words till all is fine.

So thus far it adds up to about 290 words, and by writing this sentence I'm at 306 words. I think I'll end it here. I'm tired. I think I'm doing pretty good even getting this far, which puts me right at 358 words. It probably seems kind of silly focusing so much on numbers of words, but I'm trying to meet this challenge, without getting too legalistic about it.

A Sense of Wonder

One of the many things about God that I find so amazing is that He has given human beings the capacity to experience and appreciate, as well as create, beauty. No other creature on the face of the earth has that potential, and I think that's at least partly what God means when He says we are made in His image and likeness. He gave man five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. Each sense can perceive beauty, and can participate in the creation of objects of beauty. God has given human beings the intellectual ability to create perfumes that are pleasant to smell, foods that taste good, art that is lovely to look at, and music that is beautiful to listen to, as well as material that is pleasing to the touch.

What I don't understand is how anyone can think that God doesn't exist, when all you have to do is look at the human body--at its incredible intricacies and systems and functions, from its smallest cells, to the organs that contain them, to the systems wherein the organs operate. And the whole body is greater than the sum of its parts, because it doesn't just function as an organism, but it functions as a living, breathing human being with consciousness and thought and free will, and the ability to laugh and to cry, to love and to hate, and to find meaning in life's events.

So the upshot of it is that everything about God is mysterious to me, but that's part of the fun of knowing Him--that I can never quite know Him. There's always some new aspect, some new mystery to uncover and discover about God.  

I Can Trust God, But Can I Trust What's-His-Face?

My session with Jeff last Saturday went all right, except for one thing. He asked me what I thought breasts are used for (I have a very hard time with that word, both saying it and hearing it, but I'll try using it here; I have to say that I'm feeling extremely nervous). When he said the word I started to shake and I wanted to tell him to not say that word, and then run from the room.

Anyway, I told him that they were used for feeding babies, and I was going to say that they're used so  men can get their jollies during sex, but Jeff kind of interrupted me and said that they're used for creation, only he used the actual word. He said, "Breasts are used for creation," and when he said that word he said it with a deep sonorous voice, and kind of drew the word out. It made me feel like he was imagining touching me. I've always had this fear that if I talk to a man about sex stuff, especially if I use the words of the body parts, then he'll get pictures in his head about me and sex. 

Aside from all that, they are not used for creation, at least partly because creation doesn't usually take place when people have sex. If creation took place every single time a couple had sex? There'd be a whole lot more people in the world. I don't think so. Mostly people just have sex. So mostly breasts aren't used for creation. They're used so men can get their jollies off of women during sex. And they're especially not used for creation when some jerk is having sex with a child! 

I recognize that my opinions, if that's what you want to call them, could just as easily be affected by my issues as anything else. But they are at least a little bit legitimate, probably with my issues thrown in to stir things up a bit. How much of it is issues and how much of it is legit I don't really know. What I do know is that now I'm afraid to trust Jeff.

That Hated Thing I Do

This year between Christmas and New Year's has been particularly difficult. I spent most of the day New Year's Day hitting myself. I was playing a new Solitaire game on my computer, and I kept forgetting one of the rules--over and over and over and OVER and over again. I couldn't stop playing it because I couldn't understand why I couldn't seem to remember that rule, and everytime I forgot the rule and made the wrong move as a result, I hit myself. Finally I had this thought that this was a solitaire version that I couldn't play--that wasn't good for me to play--and it was at that point that I was finally able to stop.

I've also been fighting the War With the Bra (WWTB) more than usual over the last few days. This is a problem I've had for as long as I can remember, and I've named it the War With the Bra. The WWTB is where I'm constantly having to pull up my straps because they feel like they're falling off my shoulders. The feeling that they're falling off my shoulders fills me with incredible anxiety, and I don't know why, but the anxiety about the right side is higher than the left. I go through periods where the anxiety is worse, and I have to fight the battle even harder than usual, if that makes any sense. I can't just go without a bra because that produces even more anxiety, and I've tried to find one with straps that don't fall, but I've never been able to. I go through absolute torment with this, and I think it might be related to fears that someone might touch me, but I don't know, but I wish it would STOP. I'm so everlastingly exhausted and tired of it, and I hate myself that I have to go through it all the time.

The reason I'm writing all this out is because I have to see Jeff this morning and I think God is prompting me to talk about it (that's easy for Him to say!). Just the idea of telling Jeff this stuff fills me with fear and anxiety! But I know if I can get prayer for it I can get healed. So I thought if I wrote it out and then asked Jeff to read this before I got there, then it might make it a little easier for me.

This is probably the hardest post I've had to write, mostly because I wrote it specifically knowing that someone would read it, and baring my deepest secrets. I've never told anyone about this. All the other ones were written hoping that maybe someone might read them, and none of them were as intimate as this one is, and this one I'm telling my male therapist. It's just scary, that's all.

So I give this into God's hands, and Jeff's too, I guess. That's what trust is all about. I just hope he doesn't abuse my trust!

Such a Marvelous Mystery, Such an Amazing Gift!

December 25, 2013, Christmas Day

I've been thinking about Christmas and what it's all about for a couple of weeks now. It's the most amazing and mysterious thing that God would choose, would freely choose, to put aside all the privileges and glory and beauty-of-Holiness worship that being Lord over all the universe offers, and come down to earth in the form of a human being, a baby no less, to redeem mankind. 

I would think that such a transformation would be one of going from complete weightlessness (God is a Spirit) to one of assuming the weight of all humanity in one tiny body. And such a transformation! Not only was it from spiritual weightlessness to physical weight, but He went from having all the attributes of  spiritual and heavenly perfection to having all the attributes of physical and earthy imperfection--yet without sin. When Jesus was a baby, and then a child, and then an adult here on earth, he did all the things we humans have to do, whether we want to or not. He had to help his mom with the chores around the house and help her keep his younger brothers and sisters in line, he had to help his father in his carpentry shop, he had to go to the bathroom--however they did it back then. The only thing he didn't do was get married and have sex. If they ate beans when he walked the earth, beans being the fart factories that they are, then he probably farted! I don't intend any irreverence by that. I just mean that Jesus experienced everything, literally everything, humanity did yet without sin. The Bible says that he was tempted in all points the same as we are, yet without sin. 

"For we have not a high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin."~~Hebrews 4:15, KJV

That's how he can be such an effective intercessor and High Priest for us, sitting at the Right Hand of the Father. So he understands if we fart (for example) and as a consequence, feel incredibly embarrassed, because he felt the same way. (Don't mind me, guys, I don't mince words around here. This is my blog, so I can write what I want. We all pee, poop, and dare I say it, fart, whether we want to or not, and whether we want to admit it or not. There are those who would say that I could use nicer words, I suppose, but since this is my blog, it's my words. On someone else's blog they can choose the words. It seems to be okay with God, because the King James Bible speaks plainly as well. Check out I Sam 25:22, 34; I Kings 14:10, 16:11, and 21:21; and II Kings 9:8 for examples.)

But I digress. 

With all the commercialism that people so quickly embrace every year, it becomes all too easy to  completely forget about why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. Many people think the real meaning of Christmas is about family, and giving instead of receiving, and while those things are important, they only hint at its true significance. The real gift is much more specific: it's God's gift of Jesus Christ, sent to earth as a baby, born of a virgin, to save humanity from their sins. There is no better gift a person can receive, because it has eternal consequences, than Jesus Christ. All that's needed is to accept it by faith.

So I don't know if what I've written here makes much sense. I guess it's more train-of-thought writing than anything else, about how I see Christmas. I think I'm making progress. I'm not feeling quite as negative about it this year as I have in years past, so I'd say that healing is occurring.

God is good ALL the time!