The Mystery of Forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. The Bible says that God alone forgives sins--several places in the Gospels where the Scribes and Pharisees try to trick Jesus say this.

There are a number of things about this that I don't understand. For one thing, the Old Testament verses to which the New Testament refer say that God forgives sins, but they don't say that ONLY God forgives sins. Specifically I'm referring to Isaiah 43:25: "I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins."~~NKJV. There's only one translation where it says that God alone forgives sins, and that's the New Living Translation, and it doesn't say that only God CAN forgive sins, just that He alone does. It may be semantics, but it makes a difference, it seems to me.

In addition, if it's true that God alone can forgive sins, why is that so? And if it is true, then why are Christians required to forgive? I mean, if God is the only one who can forgive then why does He expect His people to do it if He and not they are the ones doing the forgiving? Seems like all we would be expected to do would be to ask Him to forgive whomever has wronged us. I get that human beings shouldn't hold unforgiveness. It's bad for your health, for one thing. If practiced over a long period, holding unforgiveness can create a root of bitterness which can cause things like ulcers and cancer. It can also hinder your prayers.

When King David was confronted by Nathan the prophet because of his adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband, Uriah the Hittite, David's response was, "I have sinned against the LORD."~~II Samuel 12:13. And in Psalm 51 where David writes about this incident, he says,

"Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. For I was born a sinner -- yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there. Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me --now let me rejoice. Don't keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me."~~Psalm 51:4-10, NLT.

After reading Psalm 51 I think I understand why only God can forgive sins. It's because sin separates us from God, and only God can cleanse and purify a person from the stain that sin creates, plus only God can repair the gap that we cause when we sin, as it says in verse seven of Psalm 51: "Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." Only God is righteous and good enough to do the cleansing that's required for forgiveness to take place. The only thing I still don't understand is why we are required to forgive if God is the only one who has the ability to actually do the forgiving and cleansing? Certainly we can't cleanse our own souls from sin. Only God can do that. So why are we commanded to do something that's impossible for us to do?

There are a number of possible answers to that question, I suppose. One is that if we don't forgive--if we hold onto unforgiveness--we are, in effect, trying to exact revenge ourselves for the wrongs done to us instead of leaving it to God. The Bible says, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord."~~Romans 12:19, ESV.

Other plausible answers are that our forgiveness releases God to act in the person's life in some way that we can't, or maybe our forgiveness allows Him to forgive them. So I feel quite relieved, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, because I've been able to answer at least some of these questions with God's help (of course!). I suppose that sounds kind of silly, but it's true. When I'm trying to understand something like that it occupies all my thoughts and all my waking hours. Now I can move on to other mysteries.

Cool!!

Being Pushed Around By Father's Day, Or Maybe, Feeling Pushed Around By the Father

Last Sunday was Father's Day (today is Thursday, June 21, 2013). More and more every year Father's Day is a struggle for me, and this year was no different. I think it's because I still have so many unresolved feelings towards my father. For the past couple of weeks or so, as it got closer to the day of Father's Day, I felt more and more depressed and just sort of jumbled up inside.

I've finally come to the conclusion that the jumbled up feelings are probably bad memories being stirred up because of the idea of Father's Day. It seems like everywhere I turn over the last couple of weeks people are talking about how wonderful fathers are. The sermons at church were all about how important a father is -- which is true, don't get me wrong -- but considering that my father wasn't such a terrific guy, being told how important he is to my life only serves to remind me of how miserably he failed me -- and just makes me feel sad and depressed. Plus, as I said, it stirs up old stuff. Nothing specific, mind you, but it makes me feel all fragmented and sad and sort of pushed around inside. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

Pushed around. Yeah. That's how it feels. Like I'm being kicked and pushed around inside. I've been trying to figure out a way to describe that feeling for years, and I finally did it. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the words! It really does feel like someone is moving or kicking my intestines when I'm struggling with these kinds of issues, but I've never been able to work out a way of describing it with words. God is so good!

So now that I understand that feeling, what do I do about it? I suppose I could try and get to the bottom of what's pushing me around, but I don't know if I'm ready for that, at least not before I talk to my therapist about it. It could mean unearthing new memories, a prospect that doesn't excite me in the least. I don't know that any new recollections would surface, but it's certainly a possibility, and not one that I relish at all. So maybe I'll just let it sit for the moment, consoled in the idea that I know what the feeling is, without trying to take it any further right now. I can continue to explore it from time to time if I want, but I don't have to go any deeper than I already have. I suppose I'm chickening out by doing that, but it seems to me that I've already done plenty today by figuring out what this feeling was about, and by finishing this blog post.

After finishing the posting I did some further thinking and writing, and I came to some new and not very pleasant revelations, and while I don't like what I've learned about myself, now that it's been exposed, something can be done about it. Once the light of God's love shines into the darkness, the problem hidden by the darkness can no longer remain concealed. It's now been illuminated by the light so it has to come forth and allow itself to be dealt with and healed. Or rather, I have to choose to bring the problem into the light and allow it to be dealt with and be healed. I've always made that choice in the past and I don't intend to choose any differently now, but it's not easy. Making the right choice has a number of implications. Like if I choose God's way He might want me to marry someone, which would mean I'd have to have sex with that person, for starters. YUCK!

It always seems to come down to that. The sex issue. I want more than anything to please God. Insert small caveat. As long as I don't have to have sex with anyone. Sorry God. I can't do that, not even for You. You don't know what's best for me in that regard, I do. And with said caveat, I take God off the throne of my life and put myself back on. What pride and arrogance shines forth from my heart! God forgive me! I bow my head in shame. "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."~~Psalm 51:10, KJV best expresses my feelings and prayer right now. This was King David's prayer after Nathan the Prophet confronted him about his sin with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband, Uriah the Hittite, which he conspired to commit.

I am not my god, nor do I want to be!

I would make a lousy god.

I really do want to follow God, and I really do want God's best for me. I desire more than anything to please God. That's all I've ever wanted as a Christian, though it's always felt like a hopeless endeavor. It was also impossible to please my father. No matter what I did or said, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and my stepfather was the same way, though not quite as bad.

The thought has occurred to me that in struggling so hard to please God and always feeling like I've failed, I'm really trying to please my father rather than God. Eew! That's actually kind of creepy. In my constant attempts to please God I'm not really trying to please Him at all. I'm trying to please Harry. After all these years I'm still trying to get him to like me, love me, and accept me. I thought I'd figured that one out, but I guess not. In a word, it's idolatry. And besides that, what a creep to worship! SO not deserving! 

But Harry is not my god, nor do I want him to be!

My constant repenting for every perceived and/or real sin (sometimes I repent for breathing and taking up space) isn't for God's benefit, apparently; it's for Harry's. Which is dumb, because the slug doesn't even know about it, nor would he care if he did, I'm sure. I repent compulsively. I don't know how to stop. If I don't I get this deep anxious feeling that God won't answer my prayer because I have unconfessed sin -- even if I can't think of a particular sin. So I have to repent of something, anything, just in case. Then I can say my prayer. It's a vicious cycle and I wish I could climb out of it.

So maybe all of this is what's been pushing me around on Father's Day. It's a whole Pandora's Box of stuff, and I've only just begun to open it. Logically I know that God the Father doesn't push His children around, at least I think I do. That's probably yet another aspect of Harry that I'm projecting onto God. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be free to worship God freely and fully without hindrances.    I know, I know, we all have hindrances to understanding and worshiping God. "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."~~I Corinthians 13:12, KJV. I'll just have to trust in His Word that says, "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."~~Philippians 1:6, NLT.