I had to put Mom in a skilled nursing facility (Monrovia Gardens Healthcare Center) on September 7th, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've been incredibly depressed since then, because I can't help but wonder if somehow it was my fault. Maybe I didn't spend enough time with her, or maybe there was something deficient in the care that I gave her, I don't know. However, even though I'm always second-guessing the decisions I have to make regarding Mom, I figure that, as long as I keep on casting the worry of the whole mess into God's hands, I'll be OK.
So now, what I have to do is close down her room at Westminster Gardens. I've already dealt with Richard, her cat. Judy Thorndyke, the Executive Director of Westminster Gardens (retired as of Saturday, October 12th; today is October 19th) took him. She had two elderly cats and one of them died, so she said she wanted Richard to be a companion for the remaining cat so he wouldn't be lonely. I know she'll take good care of him, so I let her take him.
The main problem I have at this point is that from time to time she comes to herself, so to speak, and remembers where she is, and that she doesn't want to be there. When that happens she wants to know where Richard is, instead of talking endlessly about all the pets she had in past generations, as if the current generation hadn't happened yet. It makes me feel as if I were caught in a wrinkle in time from which I can't remove myself. Once she starts asking me questions about Richard I know I'm in trouble, because questions about Richard are always followed by questions about why she can't go home, after which she gets angry at me because I have to tell her that she's home right where she's at--at Country Villa. Once she gets angry I end up leaving because I can't deal with her anger, plus I don't know how to answer her questions. I've never been any good at thinking on my feet in confrontive situations and when she gets angry at me at these times my mind just goes blank. I finally decided that the best way to handle it was to tell her that if she was going to yell at me and argue with me, then I would have to leave until she could stop arguing with me. I feel terrible for treating her like this. I feel like I'm treating her like a child when she's my mother.
Then after a month of trying to deal with Mom, on October 3rd Pastor Chuck Smith died. I knew he was going to die at some point because he had lung cancer, but somehow it still threw me for a loop. I know he's in heaven and I'm really glad for him, but everyone here on earth misses him terribly. I miss his Bible teaching especially. I realize that they'll keep on broadcasting his old sermons, but there won't be any new ones, and that makes me very sad.
Finally, after weeks of being depressed about Mom and then Pastor Chuck, and being cross-eyed, I'm so confused and fragmented, and feeling overwhelmed about life in general, I realized last night (October 27, 2013) that Hallowe'en is coming up--in four days, in fact. When I figured that out everything became clear. I've had big problems every year at this time. It starts at the beginning of October and continues on, getting worse and worse until the end of the year, probably because of the ritual abuse when I was a kid. This year it started early because of what happened to Mom, and I didn't piece it together until four days before Hallowe'en.
Now, a week-and-a-day later, on November 4th, I'm doing better. The depression is beginning to lift, thank God. I saw Jeff on Saturday, and he prayed for me, and then Pastor Jack prayed for me after church on Sunday. To have both Jeff and Pastor Jack pray for me was so comforting! It's hard to describe, especially Pastor Jack. I didn't ask him to, he just did it. I could feel his compassion for me, and that was the coolest part. It made a tremendous difference.
So it looks like I'm coming out of the worst of the terrible slump I've been in. This post has been not much more than a series of journal entries tracking the depth of my depression over the past couple of months, given what's happened to my mom and everything else that's gone on. I'm so grateful to God for His watchful care over me! That Pastor Jack would be available to talk to after church yesterday, even if it was only for a few minutes, and then that he would pray for me without me asking for it is a huge blessing to me! I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but I'm so much better than I was when all this started. I'm still having a hard time paying Mom's bills, which was the problem that kind of started the whole thing off in the first place once Mom was moved to Monrovia Gardens.
I guess the upshot of it all is that God is good all the time, and that He is always watching over me, keeping me safe, even if I can't tell it or feel it. I can remember all the years where I believed God not only didn't care, but actually hated me, based on what Harry had beaten into me throughout my childhood.
I'm so thankful and grateful for God's patient mercy and understanding!
I think this whole time has been an example of Lamentations 3:21-24 and 31-33 in action:
The main problem I have at this point is that from time to time she comes to herself, so to speak, and remembers where she is, and that she doesn't want to be there. When that happens she wants to know where Richard is, instead of talking endlessly about all the pets she had in past generations, as if the current generation hadn't happened yet. It makes me feel as if I were caught in a wrinkle in time from which I can't remove myself. Once she starts asking me questions about Richard I know I'm in trouble, because questions about Richard are always followed by questions about why she can't go home, after which she gets angry at me because I have to tell her that she's home right where she's at--at Country Villa. Once she gets angry I end up leaving because I can't deal with her anger, plus I don't know how to answer her questions. I've never been any good at thinking on my feet in confrontive situations and when she gets angry at me at these times my mind just goes blank. I finally decided that the best way to handle it was to tell her that if she was going to yell at me and argue with me, then I would have to leave until she could stop arguing with me. I feel terrible for treating her like this. I feel like I'm treating her like a child when she's my mother.
Then after a month of trying to deal with Mom, on October 3rd Pastor Chuck Smith died. I knew he was going to die at some point because he had lung cancer, but somehow it still threw me for a loop. I know he's in heaven and I'm really glad for him, but everyone here on earth misses him terribly. I miss his Bible teaching especially. I realize that they'll keep on broadcasting his old sermons, but there won't be any new ones, and that makes me very sad.
Finally, after weeks of being depressed about Mom and then Pastor Chuck, and being cross-eyed, I'm so confused and fragmented, and feeling overwhelmed about life in general, I realized last night (October 27, 2013) that Hallowe'en is coming up--in four days, in fact. When I figured that out everything became clear. I've had big problems every year at this time. It starts at the beginning of October and continues on, getting worse and worse until the end of the year, probably because of the ritual abuse when I was a kid. This year it started early because of what happened to Mom, and I didn't piece it together until four days before Hallowe'en.
Now, a week-and-a-day later, on November 4th, I'm doing better. The depression is beginning to lift, thank God. I saw Jeff on Saturday, and he prayed for me, and then Pastor Jack prayed for me after church on Sunday. To have both Jeff and Pastor Jack pray for me was so comforting! It's hard to describe, especially Pastor Jack. I didn't ask him to, he just did it. I could feel his compassion for me, and that was the coolest part. It made a tremendous difference.
So it looks like I'm coming out of the worst of the terrible slump I've been in. This post has been not much more than a series of journal entries tracking the depth of my depression over the past couple of months, given what's happened to my mom and everything else that's gone on. I'm so grateful to God for His watchful care over me! That Pastor Jack would be available to talk to after church yesterday, even if it was only for a few minutes, and then that he would pray for me without me asking for it is a huge blessing to me! I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but I'm so much better than I was when all this started. I'm still having a hard time paying Mom's bills, which was the problem that kind of started the whole thing off in the first place once Mom was moved to Monrovia Gardens.
I guess the upshot of it all is that God is good all the time, and that He is always watching over me, keeping me safe, even if I can't tell it or feel it. I can remember all the years where I believed God not only didn't care, but actually hated me, based on what Harry had beaten into me throughout my childhood.
I'm so thankful and grateful for God's patient mercy and understanding!
I think this whole time has been an example of Lamentations 3:21-24 and 31-33 in action:
"This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD'S mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'
"For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men."~~NKJV
