The Gratefulness Paradox-Part I

God is showing me that I need to be willing to submit every aspect of my childhood to Him so He can heal me completely, by which I mean that I need to be able to be grateful for the childhood that God gave me. This is something I've struggled with for a very long time, and it's something I've known for a long time that I need to be able to do. I just haven't been able to pull it off.

I've gotten to the point where I can be grateful for one particular aspect of my childhood, and that's the fact that what I went through reminds me on a daily basis of my sinfulness before God. I'm not sure why that's so, but it is. The problem is, there was so much more to my childhood than just that, even though that's pretty important. And if I stay where I'm at right now? I don't think so. I'm stuck right now I know it's my own fault that I'm stuck and it's quite a predicament, but I don't know how to get out of it. The simple answer is that I need to seek God, but that feels more simplistic than simple. 

This whole thing is a large lesson about laying down my life and taking up my cross to follow Christ, and it's a hard lesson to learn. If I take up the cross of being grateful for absolutely every aspect of my childhood, then I have to be grateful that Harry raped me God only knows how many times. I have to be thankful that he perpetrated a gang rape on me when I was three years old. I have to be appreciative for the fact that he forced me to eat my own feces at various times. I have to thank God that he told me everytime he abused me that he had to do it because God hated me, and that he told me everytime he abused me that I was as ugly as if someone had thrown acid on my face. There's SOOO very MUCH!!

I don't know how in the world I'm supposed to do this! I know I can't do it without God's help, that's for sure, and for the life of me, I can't understand how I can or why I have to be grateful for all that terrible, horrific stuff. It's changed and affected every aspect of my whole life drastically. 

I want more than anything to follow God and to please Him, and if this is what I have to do to accomplish that, then I have to figure out how. Like I said previously, I know I can't do it without God's help, but the problem is that I don't even know how to go about getting that, or what His help will look like.

So I'm faced with a conundrum, and since I'm clueless about how to get out of it, I'll just have to leave it in God's hands. Having to do that makes me feel anxious, but I don't really have a choice, so I'll have to do it and also leave the anxiety in His hands as well. 

Harrumph!!

God Is Dead, But He's Not REALLY Dead, or It Depends On Who You Talk to...

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is the whole idea of man--a created being--killing off God--his Creator. The idea apparently originated with Friedrich Nietzsche in 1882 and is stated as follows:

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Yet his shadow still looms. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?                               

       ~~Nietzsche, The Gay Science, Section 125

I find this whole concept to be incredibly odd and arrogant. The idea that God, who exists independently of any other beings or causes, and is completely self-sufficient and needing no one, could be killed by some one of His creatures is absolutely ludicrous. To me it's on the same level as Lucifer's rebellion and fall from Heaven. I think the only reason man is allowed to get away with it, even for awhile is because of God's grace and mercy. Angels, including Lucifer, have a free will, but they can't repent and get forgiven if they blow it as man can. There is no redemption for an angel who screws up. So when Lucifer rebelled and tried to exalt himself above the throne of God there was no second chance for him, no forgiveness, no redemption. There was only Hell and eternal damnation and a name change (from Lucifer to Satan), plus all the angels who participated in the attempted coup  following along down to the abyss. Man, on the other hand, gets a second chance. He can ask for forgiveness, and redemption is possible if he believes in Jesus Christ.

I wonder if what the God-is-dead-ers are killing is not God-Maker-of-Heaven-and-Earth-Ancient-of-Days-First-Person-of-the-Trinity-God, because it's not possible to do that. I wonder if instead they're killing their faith that God exists, or maybe their ideal of who God is, the concept of God in their minds, so that to them He is dead, but He's not REALLY dead.

What I find especially interesting about this is that Nietzsche came up with this idea in 1882, and in 1889 he went insane and remained that way until his death in 1900. The cause of his mental illness is unknown, though there is some speculation: at first it was thought that he had syphilis, and later it was decided that his symptoms were a better match with the symptoms of brain cancer. When I was a child I had a great-uncle who started out as a missionary, and after he came back from the mission field he wrote a book called Other Christs. After he wrote that book he got brain cancer and died. I've often wondered if there was a connection between that book and his cancer in terms of God's judgment, and I wonder the same thing about Nietzsche's insanity/brain cancer and his declaration that God was dead. He was a very well known philosopher who influenced millions of people for generations with that one idea, and that concept is STILL influencing generations of people.

I don't think I'm done writing this post, but I'm done for now, I guess, so I'm going to publish it. I'll come back later and revise it. That's the cool thing about keeping a blog. You can come back and edit a posting and completely change it around if you decide you don't like it. I doubt I'll change this very much. There's just a few thoughts I'd like to flesh out, but I don't have time to do it now, considering it's about 2 a.m. Sunday morning, and I have to get up and go to church because we're having a really cool guest preacher.

God's Grace and Mercy In Spite of Me...

I had to put Mom in a skilled nursing facility (Monrovia Gardens Healthcare Center) on September 7th, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've been incredibly depressed since then, because I can't help but wonder if somehow it was my fault. Maybe I didn't spend enough time with her, or maybe there was something deficient in the care that I gave her, I don't know. However, even though I'm always second-guessing the decisions I have to make regarding Mom, I figure that, as long as I keep on casting the worry of the whole mess into God's hands, I'll be OK.

So now, what I have to do is close down her room at Westminster Gardens. I've already dealt with Richard, her cat. Judy Thorndyke, the Executive Director of Westminster Gardens (retired as of Saturday, October 12th; today is October 19th) took him. She had two elderly cats and one of them died, so she said she wanted Richard to be a companion for the remaining cat so he wouldn't be lonely. I know she'll take good care of him, so I let her take him.

The main problem I have at this point is that from time to time she comes to herself, so to speak, and remembers where she is, and that she doesn't want to be there. When that happens she wants to know where Richard is, instead of talking endlessly about all the pets she had in past generations, as if the current generation hadn't happened yet. It makes me feel as if I were caught in a wrinkle in time from which I can't remove myself. Once she starts asking me questions about Richard I know I'm in trouble, because questions about Richard are always followed by questions about why she can't go home, after which she gets angry at me because I have to tell her that she's home right where she's at--at Country Villa. Once she gets angry I end up leaving because I can't deal with her anger, plus I don't know how to answer her questions. I've never been any good at thinking on my feet in confrontive situations and when she gets angry at me at these times my mind just goes blank. I finally decided that the best way to handle it was to tell her that if she was going to yell at me and argue with me, then I would have to leave until she could stop arguing with me. I feel terrible for treating her like this. I feel like I'm treating her like a child when she's my mother.

Then after a month of trying to deal with Mom, on October 3rd Pastor Chuck Smith died. I knew he was going to die at some point because he had lung cancer, but somehow it still threw me for a loop. I know he's in heaven and I'm really glad for him, but everyone here on earth misses him terribly. I miss his Bible teaching especially. I realize that they'll keep on broadcasting his old sermons, but there won't   be any new ones, and that makes me very sad.

Finally, after weeks of being depressed about Mom and then Pastor Chuck, and being cross-eyed, I'm so confused and fragmented, and feeling overwhelmed about life in general, I realized last night (October 27, 2013) that Hallowe'en is coming up--in four days, in fact. When I figured that out everything became clear. I've had big problems every year at this time. It starts at the beginning of October and continues on, getting worse and worse until the end of the year, probably because of the ritual abuse when I was a kid. This year it started early because of what happened to Mom, and I didn't piece it together until four days before Hallowe'en.

Now, a week-and-a-day later, on November 4th, I'm doing better. The depression is beginning to lift, thank God. I saw Jeff on Saturday, and he prayed for me, and then Pastor Jack prayed for me after church on Sunday. To have both Jeff and Pastor Jack pray for me was so comforting! It's hard to describe, especially Pastor Jack. I didn't ask him to, he just did it. I could feel his compassion for me, and that was the coolest part. It made a tremendous difference.

So it looks like I'm coming out of the worst of the terrible slump I've been in. This post has been not much more than a series of journal entries tracking the depth of my depression over the past couple of months, given what's happened to my mom and everything else that's gone on. I'm so grateful to God for His watchful care over me! That Pastor Jack would be available to talk to after church yesterday, even if it was only for a few minutes, and then that he would pray for me without me asking for it is a huge blessing to me! I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but I'm so much better than I was when all this started. I'm still having a hard time paying Mom's bills, which was the problem that kind of started the whole thing off in the first place once Mom was moved to Monrovia Gardens.

I guess the upshot of it all is that God is good all the time, and that He is always watching over me, keeping me safe, even if I can't tell it or feel it. I can remember all the years where I believed God not only didn't care, but actually hated me, based on what Harry had beaten into me throughout my childhood.

I'm so thankful and grateful for God's patient mercy and understanding!

I think this whole time has been an example of Lamentations 3:21-24 and 31-33 in action:

"This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD'S mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'

"For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, yet He will show compassion according to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men."~~NKJV

The Mystery of Forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. The Bible says that God alone forgives sins--several places in the Gospels where the Scribes and Pharisees try to trick Jesus say this.

There are a number of things about this that I don't understand. For one thing, the Old Testament verses to which the New Testament refer say that God forgives sins, but they don't say that ONLY God forgives sins. Specifically I'm referring to Isaiah 43:25: "I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins."~~NKJV. There's only one translation where it says that God alone forgives sins, and that's the New Living Translation, and it doesn't say that only God CAN forgive sins, just that He alone does. It may be semantics, but it makes a difference, it seems to me.

In addition, if it's true that God alone can forgive sins, why is that so? And if it is true, then why are Christians required to forgive? I mean, if God is the only one who can forgive then why does He expect His people to do it if He and not they are the ones doing the forgiving? Seems like all we would be expected to do would be to ask Him to forgive whomever has wronged us. I get that human beings shouldn't hold unforgiveness. It's bad for your health, for one thing. If practiced over a long period, holding unforgiveness can create a root of bitterness which can cause things like ulcers and cancer. It can also hinder your prayers.

When King David was confronted by Nathan the prophet because of his adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband, Uriah the Hittite, David's response was, "I have sinned against the LORD."~~II Samuel 12:13. And in Psalm 51 where David writes about this incident, he says,

"Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. For I was born a sinner -- yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there. Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me --now let me rejoice. Don't keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me."~~Psalm 51:4-10, NLT.

After reading Psalm 51 I think I understand why only God can forgive sins. It's because sin separates us from God, and only God can cleanse and purify a person from the stain that sin creates, plus only God can repair the gap that we cause when we sin, as it says in verse seven of Psalm 51: "Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." Only God is righteous and good enough to do the cleansing that's required for forgiveness to take place. The only thing I still don't understand is why we are required to forgive if God is the only one who has the ability to actually do the forgiving and cleansing? Certainly we can't cleanse our own souls from sin. Only God can do that. So why are we commanded to do something that's impossible for us to do?

There are a number of possible answers to that question, I suppose. One is that if we don't forgive--if we hold onto unforgiveness--we are, in effect, trying to exact revenge ourselves for the wrongs done to us instead of leaving it to God. The Bible says, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord."~~Romans 12:19, ESV.

Other plausible answers are that our forgiveness releases God to act in the person's life in some way that we can't, or maybe our forgiveness allows Him to forgive them. So I feel quite relieved, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, because I've been able to answer at least some of these questions with God's help (of course!). I suppose that sounds kind of silly, but it's true. When I'm trying to understand something like that it occupies all my thoughts and all my waking hours. Now I can move on to other mysteries.

Cool!!

Being Pushed Around By Father's Day, Or Maybe, Feeling Pushed Around By the Father

Last Sunday was Father's Day (today is Thursday, June 21, 2013). More and more every year Father's Day is a struggle for me, and this year was no different. I think it's because I still have so many unresolved feelings towards my father. For the past couple of weeks or so, as it got closer to the day of Father's Day, I felt more and more depressed and just sort of jumbled up inside.

I've finally come to the conclusion that the jumbled up feelings are probably bad memories being stirred up because of the idea of Father's Day. It seems like everywhere I turn over the last couple of weeks people are talking about how wonderful fathers are. The sermons at church were all about how important a father is -- which is true, don't get me wrong -- but considering that my father wasn't such a terrific guy, being told how important he is to my life only serves to remind me of how miserably he failed me -- and just makes me feel sad and depressed. Plus, as I said, it stirs up old stuff. Nothing specific, mind you, but it makes me feel all fragmented and sad and sort of pushed around inside. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

Pushed around. Yeah. That's how it feels. Like I'm being kicked and pushed around inside. I've been trying to figure out a way to describe that feeling for years, and I finally did it. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the words! It really does feel like someone is moving or kicking my intestines when I'm struggling with these kinds of issues, but I've never been able to work out a way of describing it with words. God is so good!

So now that I understand that feeling, what do I do about it? I suppose I could try and get to the bottom of what's pushing me around, but I don't know if I'm ready for that, at least not before I talk to my therapist about it. It could mean unearthing new memories, a prospect that doesn't excite me in the least. I don't know that any new recollections would surface, but it's certainly a possibility, and not one that I relish at all. So maybe I'll just let it sit for the moment, consoled in the idea that I know what the feeling is, without trying to take it any further right now. I can continue to explore it from time to time if I want, but I don't have to go any deeper than I already have. I suppose I'm chickening out by doing that, but it seems to me that I've already done plenty today by figuring out what this feeling was about, and by finishing this blog post.

After finishing the posting I did some further thinking and writing, and I came to some new and not very pleasant revelations, and while I don't like what I've learned about myself, now that it's been exposed, something can be done about it. Once the light of God's love shines into the darkness, the problem hidden by the darkness can no longer remain concealed. It's now been illuminated by the light so it has to come forth and allow itself to be dealt with and healed. Or rather, I have to choose to bring the problem into the light and allow it to be dealt with and be healed. I've always made that choice in the past and I don't intend to choose any differently now, but it's not easy. Making the right choice has a number of implications. Like if I choose God's way He might want me to marry someone, which would mean I'd have to have sex with that person, for starters. YUCK!

It always seems to come down to that. The sex issue. I want more than anything to please God. Insert small caveat. As long as I don't have to have sex with anyone. Sorry God. I can't do that, not even for You. You don't know what's best for me in that regard, I do. And with said caveat, I take God off the throne of my life and put myself back on. What pride and arrogance shines forth from my heart! God forgive me! I bow my head in shame. "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."~~Psalm 51:10, KJV best expresses my feelings and prayer right now. This was King David's prayer after Nathan the Prophet confronted him about his sin with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband, Uriah the Hittite, which he conspired to commit.

I am not my god, nor do I want to be!

I would make a lousy god.

I really do want to follow God, and I really do want God's best for me. I desire more than anything to please God. That's all I've ever wanted as a Christian, though it's always felt like a hopeless endeavor. It was also impossible to please my father. No matter what I did or said, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. Nothing I did was ever good enough, and my stepfather was the same way, though not quite as bad.

The thought has occurred to me that in struggling so hard to please God and always feeling like I've failed, I'm really trying to please my father rather than God. Eew! That's actually kind of creepy. In my constant attempts to please God I'm not really trying to please Him at all. I'm trying to please Harry. After all these years I'm still trying to get him to like me, love me, and accept me. I thought I'd figured that one out, but I guess not. In a word, it's idolatry. And besides that, what a creep to worship! SO not deserving! 

But Harry is not my god, nor do I want him to be!

My constant repenting for every perceived and/or real sin (sometimes I repent for breathing and taking up space) isn't for God's benefit, apparently; it's for Harry's. Which is dumb, because the slug doesn't even know about it, nor would he care if he did, I'm sure. I repent compulsively. I don't know how to stop. If I don't I get this deep anxious feeling that God won't answer my prayer because I have unconfessed sin -- even if I can't think of a particular sin. So I have to repent of something, anything, just in case. Then I can say my prayer. It's a vicious cycle and I wish I could climb out of it.

So maybe all of this is what's been pushing me around on Father's Day. It's a whole Pandora's Box of stuff, and I've only just begun to open it. Logically I know that God the Father doesn't push His children around, at least I think I do. That's probably yet another aspect of Harry that I'm projecting onto God. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be free to worship God freely and fully without hindrances.    I know, I know, we all have hindrances to understanding and worshiping God. "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."~~I Corinthians 13:12, KJV. I'll just have to trust in His Word that says, "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."~~Philippians 1:6, NLT.

Am I Afraid of Anger, or Do I Get Angry At the Fear?

April 10, 2013
I've come to realize that most of the anger I feel and/or express is misplaced and misdirected, either at myself, or at the people in whatever TV program I'm watching at the time, especially if it's something having to do with someone being raped or abused, or being treated unjustly or unfairly in anyway. I also get angry at certain news stories having to do with violence against children or women, or registered sex offenders.

I've also found it interesting and a bit puzzling that I've never once felt, much less voiced, any anger  towards my father for all the awful, horrible things he did to me. I have forgiven him, and I've never ever had any desire for revenge towards him, but by the same token, I've also never felt any anger towards him. I don't know if it's because I'm terrified that he'll come after me or what.

So maybe it's time for me to do something about it. It's not good to hold anger inside, especially for long periods of time, and while I'm getting better at not holding my anger inside, when I do let it out it's almost always directed at the wrong person. So I'm thinking I should do something to express some of the anger and rage that I feel towards my father. My therapist says I should write him a letter, but I wouldn't have to mail it to him.

May 15, 2013
I think it's curious and probably significant that, after I start thinking about writing a letter to my father to tell him how angry I am at him, even if I know he'll never see it, all of a sudden I avoid this blog like the plague. I wrote the first part of this post at the beginning of April and now it's the middle of May.

Up until now I've always avoided dealing with any real feelings about Harry, and I think the reason is because I've been afraid, terrified, actually. Terrified that I wouldn't be able to control my anger, petrified I'll go ballistic and do something I'll regret later--all because I'm panic-stricken at the idea of no longer hiding my true feelings about him. As I was sitting here thinking about what to write, I beat a retreat in the middle of this paragraph to play solitaire. Sometimes it helps me to think. Actually I think it's an excuse to not have to think or write about what I'm supposed to be working on. Anyway, I started playing Solitaire and it wasn't going the way I wanted it to (e.g. I was losing game after game) so I got more and more frustrated, and I ended up hitting myself a whole lot. Which is the point of all of this: I get angry at myself instead of getting angry at the person I should be getting angry at.

So I'm going to step out in faith, and instead of being afraid of the anger, I'm going to get angry at the fear, and I'm going to start writing that letter! So here goes.

Harry:

First, I have to say that there are certain things about my childhood for which I've always been grateful: the piano lessons, and the love for classical music that you and Mom instilled in me, plus the keen intelligence, analytical mind, and desire for knowledge that have given me a life-long love of learning. 

I have a lot of things to say to you. A LOT. You're supposed to be my father, at least that's the title they gave you on my birth certificate. I have to tell you, however, that I don't buy it. You've never been a father to me. I've had a lot of memories of things you did to me when I was a child that no father should ever do to ANY child, much less his own daughter--that no human being should ever do to any other human being! Even animals shouldn't be treated the way you treated me. So I have a hard time calling you my father. 

You abused me. You abused me physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. You made me hate you, and you made me hate myself. Everytime you abused me you told me that you had to do this to me because God hated me. Everytime you abused me you told me that I was as ugly as if someone had thrown acid on my face. I don't know why you felt the need to say those awful and hateful things to me. It took me many, many years of healing before I could believe that God didn't hate me, and many more years after that before I could believe that anyone, much less God, could love me, and I'm still working on whether or not I'm ugly. I've finally decided that maybe you told me those things because you were projecting onto me how you felt about yourself. However, that's no excuse for that kind of cruelty! Do you have any idea the kind of pain just those two statements said over and over into my life have caused me? Agony! Do you hear me? Agony! You caused me years and years of anguish and agony, plus nine suicide attempts just from those two statements, not to mention the torment from all the other horrific and terrible things you did to me.

You abused me within an inch of my life. The only reason I survived infancy is because God gave me the ability to become multiple. 

You forced me to lie about what you were doing to me so you could keep on beating, raping, and otherwise assaulting the life out of me. You told me that if I ever told anyone what you were doing to me you would kill me, and then you played Russian Roulette with your revolver between my legs to make sure I believed you. There was no way I could know back then that the gun had blanks in it. I was a child, a tiny girl, so I had no choice but to believe you, and I had to become a liar that no one could trust as a result. You stole my integrity, you stole my childhood, and you stole my hope when you did that, because you left me with no recourse and no ability to seek rescue.

You used rape as punishment for wrongdoing, and you kept changing the rules so I never knew what they were. It didn't matter what I did or how I did it, it was never good enough. So no matter what, I was wrong and had to be punished, which meant you had yet another excuse to rape and/or hit me. I don't know what I did to become the brunt of your rage; I doubt I did anything. I think you just needed a scapegoat, and I was small enough and weak enough that I couldn't fight back.

And then there was the time when I was three when you decided that just raping me yourself wasn't enough; you needed to spice it up by getting your friends involved. So you orchestrated a little gang-rape with four of your cronies. I don't know if maybe you thought you were being selfish by keeping me to yourself, so you thought you should share me with your buddies or what. What a nice guy you were! Well, I wasn't your property to pass around like that!

All I wanted was to be accepted and loved. That's all any child wants. Was that too much to ask? I don't think it was, but you couldn't even give me that. A child is a gift from God, yet you treated me like trash. A child is a reward from the Lord, but you acted like I was your sex slave, to do with as you pleased. I was a child, a small, innocent child! You were nothing more than a cowardly bully, picking on your own daughter, someone who was too small and defenseless to stand up for myself. If you're going to pick on someone, pick on someone your own size!

I think the thing that hurts me more than anything else about all the horrors you visited on me throughout the years of my childhood is that you made it nigh unto impossible for me to have a relationship with a man, or with God. I'm terrified of men and I'm terrified of sex. As a consequence I've never been able to consider even going out on a date, much less anything more serious, because I might have to let him touch me, and ultimately I might have to marry him and have sex with him. 

As far as God is concerned, it's only by His grace and mercy that I'm alive, or that I know anything about Him at all. I owe my life to God and to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and it's only because of His healing power that I'm able to trust Him or believe in Him. I will never be able to express enough gratitude to God for all He has done for me in setting me free from all that you did to me. One thing you should know however, is that the same God of Love who healed me won't allow me to hate you anymore. 

That's right. Jesus loves you just as much as He loves me or anyone else, and because He's healed me, He's helped me to forgive you for everything you did to me. And yes, I have forgiven you. I don't want revenge, I don't desire any kind of evil to come upon you, and I wish only good for you. 

That's all I have to say at the present time. I may have a need to write another letter, or several letters, like this at some point. Your abuse went on for many years so I have a great deal of pent up anger and rage to deal with, and I can no longer keep it buried inside  because doing that is destroying me. I need to address it in some way to the proper person ~ you ~ instead of misdirecting it at myself as I've been doing all these years.

Blessings and Peace, 

Sarah

Well, thank God I finally got it done! It certainly took me long enough. I started writing this post around April 10 and it's now May 27, though I really need to give myself some slack because it was a very difficult letter to write. Interestingly, there's a part of me that wants to send it to him, though I doubt I'll ever do it. For one thing I don't have an address to send it to because I have no idea where he's living now. But aside from that, I don't know if it would be appropriate to send it to him. I don't know. I'll pray about it and somehow I'll figure it out. Anyway, I'm done!! Yippee! Yay! PRAISE GOD!!!

The Hubris of Sin

I originally started writing this entry right after Lance Armstrong admitted to doping during an interview with Oprah Winfrey on January 14, 2013, but it took me a long time to fully formulate my thoughts and figure out the direction I wanted it to go, hence the time delay.

In light of Lance Armstrong's recent admission of doping with performance-enhancing drugs, I've had a number of thoughts about the whole situation.

I've mostly been thinking that it took a tremendous amount of arrogance for him to decide to try it in the first place, and then, as he won races without getting caught and he became even more confident, his vanity and arrogance grew ever bigger.

I found an article published October 12, 2012 in The Guardian, a British newspaper, that said that Armstrong's team ran the most sophisticated and successful doping scheme in the entire history of the sport of cycling. The article, which used as its source a 1,000 page report from the US Anti-Doping Agency, also painted Armstrong as a bully who intimidated and coerced his teammates into participating in his doping program. He was portrayed as a cheat who payed hundreds of thousands of dollars for these doping schemes, and did this over several years. According to what he confessed to Oprah Winfrey, not one of his seven Tour de France wins was gotten without benefit of performance-enhancing drugs.

Doping with performance-enhancing drugs seems to be the up-and-coming thing to do nowadays in the world of sports, if I'm to believe what I hear on the news anyway. It seems like everyone does it. Because truth is relative, or so they say, and there is no right or wrong except for what is right to each individual, a person can do whatever he wants--can't he?? And if he can do whatever he wants, then surely doing something so blatantly dishonest as doping is OK, because by doing that he can win all his races. So the ends justify the means, right? No. No! NO!!

I don't care what anyone in the world says, there IS an absolute truth, and it's to be found in the God of the universe and in His Word, the Bible. Leviticus 19:11 says, "Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another."~~NIV. Lance Armstrong did all three of those things. He lied and deceived the US Anti-Doping Agency everytime they interviewed him, as well as every media reporter to whom he said he wasn't doping, and he also deceived the whole sport of cycling, as well as everyone who watched him perform during the Tour de France all those times. In addition he stole the title from its rightful owner each time he won it dishonestly, which apparently was all seven times. 

I don't understand why people would want to reject absolute truth and trust in something as small and finite as themselves. It just makes no sense to me. God is more solid than any rock--afterall He made the rocks the earth is made of. He is wiser and smarter than any human being ever born. He's the author of all wisdom and intelligence, for goodness sake! The Bible says, "The fear of the Lord is the foundation of wisdom. Knowledge of the Holy One results in good judgment."~~Proverbs 9:10, NLT. My vision is extremely limited, but He sees the whole picture from beginning to end. It says in Isaiah 55:8-11, 

"8. 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 9. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, 11. so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.'"~~ESV

That passage says a couple of things to me. First, it says that God thinks differently than I do, that He thinks better than I do, and His ways are different and better than mine are. So when I don't understand something that He's doing in my life I shouldn't question His sovereignty. I need to remember this scripture and concept, and buckle under and let Him work--something that's a LOT easier said than done!!

The other thing I get from this passage of scripture is that God always, ALWAYS keeps His promises, and for me, this is the more important point. The fact that I need to not question His sovereignty and walk by faith is important, of course, but if I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God always keeps His promises to me, then it will be easier to walk by faith and not question, because I know I can trust Him.

I wonder if people like Lance Armstrong decide to take matters into their own hands in situations like this doping scandal because they think they know better what's best for them than God does. But how can it be best for you to win a race when the only way you can win it is by cheating through doping? How is that winning at all? You haven't won it by using the skills God gave you. You've only won because you lied and cheated and exposed your body to dangerous drugs--as well as bullying your teammates into doing the same thing. How is that winning? It's not. It's not winning at all. In fact, it's losing, and losing on a much grander scale than if you had just lost the race in the first place. 

If you just lose in the first place, you lose and that's the end of it. You train hard and come back the next year and do better. But if you win by cheating and then your deception is discovered, there's a huge scandal and you're horribly embarrassed. Then you're expelled from the sport, probably for good, and they take away all your medals and your titles for the sport. Then they get suspicious about any other sport you might have played, because if you cheated in one sport you probably cheated in the other sports as well, and they take away all your medals and titles from those sports too. So in the end you're left with nothing, because you'll probably also lose your self-respect, as well as the esteem and admiration of your fans, and maybe even your family's respect and their trust, because you've lied to absolutely everyone, so you can't be trusted. Lance Armstrong said that the hardest part for him was having to talk to his son about what he had done. 

Was it worth it? Was it really worth it? No, I can't imagine it could have been, but that's just me. I wish I could talk to Lance Armstrong right now. Even more, I pray that he's had the sense to start talking to God.

God Is My All In All, So Can He Fill My Empty Pit?

I've been struggling with painful feelings of abandonment for several days. Actually, I experience a small undercurrent of abandonment almost all the time, but I've learned to ignore it because if I acknowledged it I feel like I'd go stark raving mad. The current struggle, however, was brought on because I had to have my taxes done, and my tax accountant is someone I used to be close to. I've known them for many years. They used to have a house-church at their home and they would have a breakfast before church every Sunday. Before they started the house-church we were all members of a Vineyard church in south Orange County. 

Then at a certain point almost four years ago a close friend of theirs died. He had been ill with prostate cancer for many years, and had been growing steadily worse over the previous several months. After he died they decided to close down the house-church, and it felt like they basically closed down our friendship, and since then the only contact I have with them is when I have my taxes done, plus infrequent get-togethers with mutual friends or on FaceBook. 

The reason I feel such a strong sense of abandonment is because when I first met them in about 1999 I was a total basket case, just an absolute mess, and over the seven years that we were all members of the same church in south Orange County, I experienced drastic changes that were nothing short of God's miraculous work. Just as an example, when I started going to that church in 1999, I was multiple (Multiple Personality Disorder aka Dissociative Identity Disorder) and God integrated me in 2003 through a whole series of miracles as the people in that church prayed for me. During the whole time we were at that church this couple (my tax accountants) was wonderful to me. They helped me find an honest auto mechanic, they helped me with various financial things, they called me their miracle girl; in many ways they were like surrogate parents to me. They even came out at odd hours to rescue me when my car broke down, something I had never felt safe asking my own parents to do. They loved me in many practical ways and made me feel nurtured like I had never felt before. 

And then, all of a sudden, it was all over. They had good reasons for stopping the house-church, and they sent out a letter stating what they were. But it felt like I'd been dropped off a cliff. I've never done very well with rejection or abandonment, and I tried to talk to them about it, but it didn't do any good. They didn't even try to understand. They just said something like they hadn't rejected me, nor had they abandoned me, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like my feelings weren't valid, so I should just get over it and leave them alone. I realize it wasn't just me that they did this to. I also realize that it wasn't directed personally at me. But it's hard to not take it personally when they don't treat me like they used to. I don't mean to them what I used to mean to them. I'm no longer their miracle girl. I know they have to go on and live their lives and I have to live mine. I just wish they could have ended things a little less abruptly. Whenever I see them I can feel the coldness towards me, (or maybe it's the absence of warmth) mostly because it's the opposite of the wonderful warmth I used to feel from them.

Anyway, ever since I got home from having my taxes done on Thursday, I've been a mess. I went to Trader Joe's on the way home and bought a whole lot of food I didn't need, and that isn't good for me. Then after I got home I went online and bought a bunch of books I didn't need, nor did I have the money for. I managed to keep it down to three books--I was going to buy eight to the tune of $85, but I made myself trim it down to three, which cost me $37. The only reason I'm keeping those three is because my birthday is in ten days. I know why I bought them: all my life reading has been the best, and sometimes the only, way for me to escape the pain I feel. I can get lost in someone else's life and pain when I'm reading a good book. I certainly didn't need any new ones, however!! I have whole bookcases FULL of books I've never read. 

So I'm just hoping and praying, especially praying, that God will heal this hole in me so I don't have to go through this anymore. I'm tired of feeling all the time like I'm a bottomless pit, a cavernous hole of need that's so deep and wide that it's impossible to fill. I have this feeling that I'm so needy that I chase people away, which could at least partly explain why I have such a difficult time with relationships. 

I'm also considering finding a new tax accountant (who's a Christian, of course) in the Inland Empire someplace so I'll have someone closer to me once I get moved. I think I'll ask around at church. Surely SOMEONE knows of a good one!

A Higher Justice

It's always a puzzle to me when people commit horrible crimes, especially when they commit the crime and subsequently commit suicide. I've often wondered if they commit suicide after they perpetrate their crimes because they don't want to face the justice system and the families of the victims they've hurt or killed.

It seems to me that they lack an eternal perspective when they commit these crimes and follow them by suicide. They don't seem to understand that, even if they manage to avoid man's justice--in other words, the criminal justice system--by committing suicide, there's no way anyone can avoid God's justice. I don't know about anyone else, but if I were to commit a crime, I would much rather deal with the earthly justice system than avoid earthly justice and then have to face the judgment of God. God's judgment will be much more severe and sure than any reckoning one might have to face in an earthly courtroom, mostly because God knows everything, EVERYTHING, about a person, and God only deals in the truth.

Then again, if I try and look at it from God's perspective, when people commit a crime and then commit suicide, they probably aren't thinking rationally, at least as far as the suicide is concerned. When God created human beings, He put a very strong instinct for survival in us, so for someone to try, much less succeed, in a suicide attempt, something has to have gone radically wrong with that survival instinct, making it so the person has lost the will to live, for whatever reason. 

I think the Catholic Church teaches that suicide is a mortal sin--that someone who commits suicide goes to hell (I could be wrong about that; they may have changed their teaching since I last knew anything). I don't believe that because I think that someone who commits suicide is not in their right mind, and since they're not in their right mind, they've lost the power to make informed choices--choices that lead towards life. I'm guessing that the reason behind the Catholic Church's teaching is because the injunction against murder is one of the ten commandments, number six, to be exact. Exodus 20:13 says, "You shall not murder."~~NKJV. 

So if you carry the church's teaching to its logical conclusion, suicide would be considered to be self-murder. But is it a mortal sin if you kill someone else? If not, since suicide, or self-murder, is simply another kind of murder, then why would that be a mortal sin if other-murder is not. I don't think it is. It seems to me that when someone commits suicide, because they've lost their ability to make rational decisions about their life, they can't be held responsible, at least not entirely, for that act. Biblically speaking, the only reason someone can end up in hell is because they've rejected God's free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ. I think we'll be very surprised by some of the people we meet when we get to heaven, people that shouldn't be there if we were to judge by man's standards. I thank God that we are NOT judged by man's standards!!

It seems to me that it all comes down to God's mercy or His judgment. Which one will be enacted when someone commits suicide? What about when someone kills someone else and then kills himself? I don't think it will be a matter of the crimes that were committed, but rather whether the person who committed them had accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. Actually, I think it will be a combination of the two, God's mercy AND His judgment.

That's what I think, for what it's worth. I don't know how accurate or close to the truth I am, but until God enlightens me further, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

A Relationship Puzzle

Why am I trying to cut Denise* out of my life? I really don't understand my behavior in this situation. While it's true that she invaded my privacy and violated my boundaries when she called the police to check on me because she hadn't heard from me in ten days, it doesn't seem like that would be a serious enough intrusion to warrant  this level of reaction on my part. You'd think I would have liked it that she did this, but I didn't. I hated it. HATED it!! Now I'm avoiding her like the plague, and I don't understand why.

Is it because I'm trying to punish her? Am I trying to get revenge by shunning her? If so, why? What was so bad about what she did? Her only sin, if you can call it that, was to express caring towards me. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe it was the way she did it. But even if the way she did it was wrong, what about forgiveness on my part? As Christians we are called, commanded even, to forgive when we've been wronged. God forgave me for my sin (my sin nature), and all my sins (my sinful actions)--and I am a VERY sinful person, to be sure, so I can do no less for Denise and anyone else who does wrong towards me. The Bible even says that if I don't forgive her then God won't forgive me. I certainly don't want that hanging over me! The Bible also says that I'm not supposed to seek revenge for a wrong that was done to me. It says that's God's job. The thing is, I thought I had forgiven her, but I must not have, otherwise I wouldn't be acting the way I am.

But I AM acting like I haven't forgiven her and I need to know why. At least I think that's what my behavior means. To me, if I've forgiven her, that means I don't want revenge for what she did. And I'm totally unaware of any feelings like that. The only thought that goes through my mind is that I can no longer trust her, and because I can't trust her any longer, I can't let her be a part of my life. There's a reason for my lack of trust, beyond just the fact of the police arriving on my doorstep. When I talked to her afterward and told her how what she did made me feel, she said she was sorry I felt that way, but if the circumstances were the same in the future, she would do the same thing all over again. She also said that before she called the police, she talked to some mutual friends to see what they thought about what she was about to do, and they saw nothing wrong with her plan. They thought it was a good idea. That told me that she would have no problem with calling the police again if I didn't keep in contact with her ALL the time, something that feels very constricting to me, and something I'm just not willing to do.

I wonder, however, if I'm not overreacting. I wonder if her calling the police that day didn't trigger something from deep inside me, something that I don't consciously remember. I don't know the answer to that yet, but I pray that God will show me, and show me soon. Not so much because I don't want to lose the relationship with Denise, but because I want to be sure I'm following God. I have a very hard time believing that my behavior in this situation is pleasing to God, but I don't how to do it any other way. I feel like I'm being propelled forward on this path by an unstoppable force that's under someone else's control.

So that's the problem I'm struggling with. I'm going to keep on praying about it, and seeking God about it, and trying to understand it, and hopefully somewhere, somehow, I'll be able to sort it out with God's help.

*Not her real name.

My Anger or God's Love, That Is the Question.

I have a problem with anger. There. I've said it. I have a problem, a REAL problem, with anger, many times to the point of it becoming rage, and almost always expressed at myself. I've talked about it with a few other people--my counselor, a couple of friends, but most of the people who know me don't know about it, at least not the extent of it--how truly serious it is.

It's been a problem for me most or all of my life, and given the abuse I endured throughout my childhood, I suppose the anger I experience on a daily, almost minute-to-minute basis now is to be expected. But you would think it would be expressed at other people, not at myself, and it's not. It's all taken out on me, in the form of self-abuse, mostly. I hit myself, I swear at myself, I call myself bad names, I think denigrating thoughts about myself. If there's a way to beat up on me, I'll do it. I'll come up with it somehow. I've given myself black eyes before. I've been defacing my face for many, many years. I've caused minor damage to the edge of the retina of one of my eyes because of hitting the side of my head. It's only because of God's mercy and grace that it's not a lot worse. I can only pray that I'm able to stop doing it before it gets any worse or, God forbid, I go blind.

I wish I could stop being this way. I know it's not pleasing to God--I guess that's the main reason I'd like to stop, is that it's displeasing to God. Aside from that, God forgave me of my sin, so why can't I forgive myself? It seems like I'm setting myself up as an idol above God. If God, the Master of the Universe, the Creator of all things, can forgive me for my sins, then who am I to decide that they are unforgivable? Who am I to say that I'm better or bigger or smarter than God?

When I think about it, though, while I am angry at myself ALL the time, I'm angry at just about everything else as well. I'm angry at anything and everything that seems unjust or unfair in the world--and there's a LOT that's unjust and/or unfair nowadays, so it feels like there's a LOT about which to be angry. I get angry about things that happen during TV shows--for instance, things that happen to people on Criminal Minds. I know it's silly to be angry about stuff like that, because TV shows aren't real life, and the stuff that happens on them isn't really happening to real people, but even though I know that logically, I still get angry. Angry enough to yell and swear at the TV during almost every episode, silly as it sounds.

And the thing is, I take the anger that I feel towards all the injustice and unfairness in the world out on myself, as if it were my fault somehow. I don't know, maybe somewhere, deep down inside, I really do blame myself for it all, like I blamed myself for all the abuse when I was a kid. Somehow I should be able to change all that injustice and make it all better. I know that sounds ridiculous. There's no way that one person out of the billions of people on this planet could make that kind of change.

I'm not sure if that's any part of what's behind the self-abuse. I just know that when I make a mistake, any mistake, the tiniest, silliest mistake, I start hitting myself and calling myself the worst names. Lately I've become aware in the split second between making the mistake and the beginning of the abuse that I can make a choice. I can choose to hit myself and call myself bad names, or I can forgive myself and let it slide. But in that split second I can feel this lump welling up in my throat and I have to make it go away, and hitting myself will accomplish that.

So I pray that God will show me what to do about this. I'm sure that it's simply a matter of me responding more quickly to the choices presented to me--making the right choices more quickly so that the abuse cycle doesn't get started in the first place once the mistake is made. It's just so frustrating and hard. The Bible says,

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."~~I Corinthians 10:13, NKJV

So now I just have to figure out what the way of escape is, and why I'm not taking it, especially when God is providing it for me. I wonder if there's some kind of secondary gain that I'm getting out of doing this? I think that's a question I need to look at: Am I getting some kind of secondary gain out of abusing myself and holding on to all this anger and rage at myself? If there is I want to know about it so I can deal with it and let it go, so I can stop with the abuse. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm someone who God loves, so I really don't have the right to hate myself. Jesus Christ loves me so much that He endured abuse and torture on the cross and died for me, so I don't have the right to hate myself!

This is the choice I have to make: to believe and receive God's love for me, or continue to believe that I know better than God. I can't know better than God. He knows me better than I know myself, so my choice is that I believe and receive God's love for me. It feels like just words on the page right now, but maybe that's where it has to start. So, because God loves me I choose to love myself and no longer abuse myself...

The Four Big Bangs

Something I've been thinking of for awhile now, about what makes humans different than other creatures. What makes human beings special in all of God's creation?

I think what makes us different and special is that God has given human beings the curiosity to find out about the world around us, and the intelligence to be able to do the research to satisfy that curiosity. In addition, He has given us the ability to appreciate the beauty in the world He has created for us. I believe it is these qualities that set human beings apart from the rest of the animal world. I also believe that these two attributes--curiosity and appreciation--are interconnected with each other.

I think probably curiosity comes first: the desire to understand what makes the world work, what makes us as human beings tick. Then, once we've come to an understanding, partial though it may be, of the world in which we live, we can appreciate it for all its wonders--and we can appreciate the God who made it all. At least that's the way it is for me.

I've thought a lot about this, so I'm sure I'll have more to say, but for now I think I'll end here.

Evil is Good? Surprisingly and Perversely, Yes.

I never thought I'd say this, but there's a certain aspect of my childhood for which I'm actually grateful. What I mean by this is that what I went through as a child keeps me conscious on a daily basis of my sinfulness and need for a savior, something I don't ever want to forget.

I think we all need to remember that we are sinful creatures ("...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."~~Romans 3:23, ESV) and can do nothing without God's help. I am eternally grateful for God's love for me, and for Jesus' willingness to go to the cross for me, especially given that it was my sin that pounded the nails into His hands and feet on that cross.

It's difficult for me to fathom the kind of love demonstrated by Jesus. He chose to divest Himself of everything He had in Heaven--His majesty, His royalty, His title, His rights, everything--and come down to earth as a human person, a baby. He did that so He could bear my sins (and the sins of all mankind--I have no illusions that it's all about me) on a cross in the most cruel of deaths.

In addition, just living as a human being must have been an unimaginable change for Him. To step down from being the King of Kings, the Master of the Universe, the Creator of all Things, into a tiny baby's frame, with all the bodily functions of a human body--what a HUGE switch!!! In Heaven He didn't even have a physical form, and now He not only had a physical body, but He had all the functions that go with having that body. Eating, sleeping, yawning, crying, a stuffy nose and associated snot, peeing, pooping (sorry, but let's be real here)... You know, all the gross stuff human beings have to go through. The only thing he didn't do was have sex, because that would have been a part of the sin nature that He couldn't partake of in order to remain sin-free.

There's a song that Chris Tomlin sings; the title escapes me, but there's a line in it that pretty well encapsulates it for me: "He knows the depths of my heart and He loves me the same." God knows how black and depraved I am, and He continues loving me, no differently than if I were perfectly righteous. The mystery and beauty of that idea is so amazing to me that it makes me weep everytime I think of it, and it makes me want to fall on my knees in worship all at the same time. I just can't fathom it!

I could write for a very long time on this, but what I've said thus far says it in a nutshell, so I think I'll just post this.

THANK YOU, JESUS, FOR YOUR MERCY AND GOODNESS TO ME!!!!

Hearing And Hearing...

Why is it that I find it so hard to write? When I was multiple I had, amongst others, two alters. One was named The Secretary, and her job was to write about the goings-on of our system--to basically keep a journal about us. But there was another alter named Secret who's job it was to keep everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, about our life/lives a secret from everyone, including me. The problem with that is, the abuse isn't happening anymore. No abuse! There hasn't been any abuse since I was about twenty-one.

So we, actually I, because we got integrated into I way back in 2003, no longer have to keep things secret. So what's the need now? What is keeping me from writing now; what's keeping my words locked inside? And what is keeping my creative juices from flowing as far as art and crafting and music are concerned? Because I can't do any of those things either. Jeff is praying for me about these things during our sessions, and his prayers are having at least some success: I'm able to write here for the first time in over a year. Plus I have a idea for a way to keep me writing consistently and often, but I won't go into that now.

This is something that has bothered and hindered me for a long time, years even, so I'm going to keep exploring the reasons behind it until I'm able to fully express myself in all the ways God has given me to do so.

Enough of that for now. On to other things.

I read Romans Ten today. It was wonderful, as is the whole Book of Romans. The verse that stuck out the most to me was Romans 10:17, "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."~~ESV.

I've always loved this verse, but there's something about it that I've never understood: what is the purpose of repeating the word, "hearing"? That's always been a puzzle to me. I've heard it taught that the reason for the repetition is for emphasis--so emphasis on hearing? It still doesn't make sense to me, though maybe it does a little. Maybe it's about hearing the word of Christ over and over again.

Other Bible translations provide some help:

The New Living Translation says, "So faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ."

The New International Version says, "Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ."

Then as I was reading, the Parable of the Sower in Mark 4 and Luke 8 came to mind (Thank you, Holy Spirit!!). Jesus says that this parable is the most basic of all the parables, that if we don't understand this parable then we won't understand any of the parables (Mark 4:13). It turns out that the Parable of the Sower is all about hearing the Word of God, and the different ways someone can hear God's Word. The parable compares people to various kinds of soil, with the Word being the seed being planted therein.

So the upshot of it is, I need to practice being a better hearer of God's Word, and the first step forward in this endeavor is to get myself onto a consistent reading plan.

Onward and upward!!