This year between Christmas and New Year's has been particularly difficult. I spent most of the day New Year's Day hitting myself. I was playing a new Solitaire game on my computer, and I kept forgetting one of the rules--over and over and over and OVER and over again. I couldn't stop playing it because I couldn't understand why I couldn't seem to remember that rule, and everytime I forgot the rule and made the wrong move as a result, I hit myself. Finally I had this thought that this was a solitaire version that I couldn't play--that wasn't good for me to play--and it was at that point that I was finally able to stop.
I've also been fighting the War With the Bra (WWTB) more than usual over the last few days. This is a problem I've had for as long as I can remember, and I've named it the War With the Bra. The WWTB is where I'm constantly having to pull up my straps because they feel like they're falling off my shoulders. The feeling that they're falling off my shoulders fills me with incredible anxiety, and I don't know why, but the anxiety about the right side is higher than the left. I go through periods where the anxiety is worse, and I have to fight the battle even harder than usual, if that makes any sense. I can't just go without a bra because that produces even more anxiety, and I've tried to find one with straps that don't fall, but I've never been able to. I go through absolute torment with this, and I think it might be related to fears that someone might touch me, but I don't know, but I wish it would STOP. I'm so everlastingly exhausted and tired of it, and I hate myself that I have to go through it all the time.
The reason I'm writing all this out is because I have to see Jeff this morning and I think God is prompting me to talk about it (that's easy for Him to say!). Just the idea of telling Jeff this stuff fills me with fear and anxiety! But I know if I can get prayer for it I can get healed. So I thought if I wrote it out and then asked Jeff to read this before I got there, then it might make it a little easier for me.
This is probably the hardest post I've had to write, mostly because I wrote it specifically knowing that someone would read it, and baring my deepest secrets. I've never told anyone about this. All the other ones were written hoping that maybe someone might read them, and none of them were as intimate as this one is, and this one I'm telling my male therapist. It's just scary, that's all.
So I give this into God's hands, and Jeff's too, I guess. That's what trust is all about. I just hope he doesn't abuse my trust!
The reason I'm writing all this out is because I have to see Jeff this morning and I think God is prompting me to talk about it (that's easy for Him to say!). Just the idea of telling Jeff this stuff fills me with fear and anxiety! But I know if I can get prayer for it I can get healed. So I thought if I wrote it out and then asked Jeff to read this before I got there, then it might make it a little easier for me.
This is probably the hardest post I've had to write, mostly because I wrote it specifically knowing that someone would read it, and baring my deepest secrets. I've never told anyone about this. All the other ones were written hoping that maybe someone might read them, and none of them were as intimate as this one is, and this one I'm telling my male therapist. It's just scary, that's all.
So I give this into God's hands, and Jeff's too, I guess. That's what trust is all about. I just hope he doesn't abuse my trust!
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