I've been struggling with painful feelings of abandonment for several days. Actually, I experience a small undercurrent of abandonment almost all the time, but I've learned to ignore it because if I acknowledged it I feel like I'd go stark raving mad. The current struggle, however, was brought on because I had to have my taxes done, and my tax accountant is someone I used to be close to. I've known them for many years. They used to have a house-church at their home and they would have a breakfast before church every Sunday. Before they started the house-church we were all members of a Vineyard church in south Orange County.
Then at a certain point almost four years ago a close friend of theirs died. He had been ill with prostate cancer for many years, and had been growing steadily worse over the previous several months. After he died they decided to close down the house-church, and it felt like they basically closed down our friendship, and since then the only contact I have with them is when I have my taxes done, plus infrequent get-togethers with mutual friends or on FaceBook.
The reason I feel such a strong sense of abandonment is because when I first met them in about 1999 I was a total basket case, just an absolute mess, and over the seven years that we were all members of the same church in south Orange County, I experienced drastic changes that were nothing short of God's miraculous work. Just as an example, when I started going to that church in 1999, I was multiple (Multiple Personality Disorder aka Dissociative Identity Disorder) and God integrated me in 2003 through a whole series of miracles as the people in that church prayed for me. During the whole time we were at that church this couple (my tax accountants) was wonderful to me. They helped me find an honest auto mechanic, they helped me with various financial things, they called me their miracle girl; in many ways they were like surrogate parents to me. They even came out at odd hours to rescue me when my car broke down, something I had never felt safe asking my own parents to do. They loved me in many practical ways and made me feel nurtured like I had never felt before.
And then, all of a sudden, it was all over. They had good reasons for stopping the house-church, and they sent out a letter stating what they were. But it felt like I'd been dropped off a cliff. I've never done very well with rejection or abandonment, and I tried to talk to them about it, but it didn't do any good. They didn't even try to understand. They just said something like they hadn't rejected me, nor had they abandoned me, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like my feelings weren't valid, so I should just get over it and leave them alone. I realize it wasn't just me that they did this to. I also realize that it wasn't directed personally at me. But it's hard to not take it personally when they don't treat me like they used to. I don't mean to them what I used to mean to them. I'm no longer their miracle girl. I know they have to go on and live their lives and I have to live mine. I just wish they could have ended things a little less abruptly. Whenever I see them I can feel the coldness towards me, (or maybe it's the absence of warmth) mostly because it's the opposite of the wonderful warmth I used to feel from them.
Anyway, ever since I got home from having my taxes done on Thursday, I've been a mess. I went to Trader Joe's on the way home and bought a whole lot of food I didn't need, and that isn't good for me. Then after I got home I went online and bought a bunch of books I didn't need, nor did I have the money for. I managed to keep it down to three books--I was going to buy eight to the tune of $85, but I made myself trim it down to three, which cost me $37. The only reason I'm keeping those three is because my birthday is in ten days. I know why I bought them: all my life reading has been the best, and sometimes the only, way for me to escape the pain I feel. I can get lost in someone else's life and pain when I'm reading a good book. I certainly didn't need any new ones, however!! I have whole bookcases FULL of books I've never read.
So I'm just hoping and praying, especially praying, that God will heal this hole in me so I don't have to go through this anymore. I'm tired of feeling all the time like I'm a bottomless pit, a cavernous hole of need that's so deep and wide that it's impossible to fill. I have this feeling that I'm so needy that I chase people away, which could at least partly explain why I have such a difficult time with relationships.
I'm also considering finding a new tax accountant (who's a Christian, of course) in the Inland Empire someplace so I'll have someone closer to me once I get moved. I think I'll ask around at church. Surely SOMEONE knows of a good one!
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI love the emotion and the seek for secure and comfort in your writing.I am also so interested in reading about religions and how people feel towards God.
Me...a Muslim,I found it so necessary to read about other religions as it makes me believes more in God and that I am in the right path.
Feeling that you are a good reader, I wonder how much do you know about Islam rather than media distortion!
Here are some links that will help you more about Islam ,that religion that is widely spread all over the world yet highly distorted by media.
Please have a look ...Thanks :)
A Brief Illustrated Guide For Understanding Islam
http://www.islamic-invitation.com/downloads/Brief_en.pdf
Hi Sawsan:
ReplyDeleteI apologize for taking so long to respond to your comment. I've been thinking about what you said, and I'm wondering if you've misunderstood my intentions in what I wrote.
I am a born-again Christian, and my faith in the God of the Bible and the Lord Jesus Christ is very strong. In fact, my faith is more real to me than my physical life. I come from a very difficult background, and my faith in God has been the solid foundation that has kept me going. In fact it has kept me alive.
I have looked into the claims of Islam, but not because I was searching for answers and trying to find God. By the time I researched Islam's claims I was already a strong Christian, secure in my beliefs and my understanding of who God is. I had read the Bible from beginning to end several times, and had found a great deal of peace and joy, and solace for my pain, as well as freedom because of what I had read in those pages. I had also learned a great deal about God from what I read.
The reason I looked into Islam was because the Bible says that, as a Christian, I am to be ready to give a defense for the hope that is within me to everyone who comes to me with questions about my faith (I Peter 3:15). And if someone who is a Muslim (or a Buddhist, or a Hindu, or...), were to come to me with questions about Christianity (not to worry, I'm not referring specifically to you), in order for me to be fully prepared to answer their questions, I would need to know something about the Islamic faith and how it differs from Christianity.
Thus my research into Islam. I didn't do as much research as I could, or probably should have, but I did enough to show me that there are significant differences between the two religions. I was able to come to the same conclusion in my reading of A Brief Illustrated Guide For Understanding Islam.
I'm wondering if your misunderstanding might come from the way I write my blog posts. When I write a blog entry, especially if I'm writing it because I'm struggling with something, oftentimes I'll pose a question in the title which I'll try and answer in the rest of the entry. The question I raise in the title may be one to which I actually do know the answer, but I'll ask it anyway because asking it will help me to get to the bottom of whatever emotions I'm trying to understand. And all the while I'm writing and asking the question, in this case, "God Is My All In All, So Can He Fill My Empty Pit?" I'm trusting God to guide me as I'm trying to understand the issue I'm writing about, in this case, the abandonment that was triggered by my interaction with someone who used to be a friend. In truth, I know that God can and will fill all the empty spaces in my life, because the Bible says He will. And the other reason I know He will is because He already has healed a whole lot of deep wounds, and filled in a lot of empty pits in me.
I don't know if any of what I've said here helps to address your comment. I hope so, but if not, please feel free to comment further. I welcome the opportunity to interact with you. Also, if you have any questions about Christianity, please don't hesitate to contact me. I will do my very best to answer them. I will be praying for you!