Why am I trying to cut Denise* out of my life? I really don't understand my behavior in this situation. While it's true that she invaded my privacy and violated my boundaries when she called the police to check on me because she hadn't heard from me in ten days, it doesn't seem like that would be a serious enough intrusion to warrant this level of reaction on my part. You'd think I would have liked it that she did this, but I didn't. I hated it. HATED it!! Now I'm avoiding her like the plague, and I don't understand why.
Is it because I'm trying to punish her? Am I trying to get revenge by shunning her? If so, why? What was so bad about what she did? Her only sin, if you can call it that, was to express caring towards me. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe it was the way she did it. But even if the way she did it was wrong, what about forgiveness on my part? As Christians we are called, commanded even, to forgive when we've been wronged. God forgave me for my sin (my sin nature), and all my sins (my sinful actions)--and I am a VERY sinful person, to be sure, so I can do no less for Denise and anyone else who does wrong towards me. The Bible even says that if I don't forgive her then God won't forgive me. I certainly don't want that hanging over me! The Bible also says that I'm not supposed to seek revenge for a wrong that was done to me. It says that's God's job. The thing is, I thought I had forgiven her, but I must not have, otherwise I wouldn't be acting the way I am.
But I AM acting like I haven't forgiven her and I need to know why. At least I think that's what my behavior means. To me, if I've forgiven her, that means I don't want revenge for what she did. And I'm totally unaware of any feelings like that. The only thought that goes through my mind is that I can no longer trust her, and because I can't trust her any longer, I can't let her be a part of my life. There's a reason for my lack of trust, beyond just the fact of the police arriving on my doorstep. When I talked to her afterward and told her how what she did made me feel, she said she was sorry I felt that way, but if the circumstances were the same in the future, she would do the same thing all over again. She also said that before she called the police, she talked to some mutual friends to see what they thought about what she was about to do, and they saw nothing wrong with her plan. They thought it was a good idea. That told me that she would have no problem with calling the police again if I didn't keep in contact with her ALL the time, something that feels very constricting to me, and something I'm just not willing to do.
I wonder, however, if I'm not overreacting. I wonder if her calling the police that day didn't trigger something from deep inside me, something that I don't consciously remember. I don't know the answer to that yet, but I pray that God will show me, and show me soon. Not so much because I don't want to lose the relationship with Denise, but because I want to be sure I'm following God. I have a very hard time believing that my behavior in this situation is pleasing to God, but I don't how to do it any other way. I feel like I'm being propelled forward on this path by an unstoppable force that's under someone else's control.
So that's the problem I'm struggling with. I'm going to keep on praying about it, and seeking God about it, and trying to understand it, and hopefully somewhere, somehow, I'll be able to sort it out with God's help.
*Not her real name.
But I AM acting like I haven't forgiven her and I need to know why. At least I think that's what my behavior means. To me, if I've forgiven her, that means I don't want revenge for what she did. And I'm totally unaware of any feelings like that. The only thought that goes through my mind is that I can no longer trust her, and because I can't trust her any longer, I can't let her be a part of my life. There's a reason for my lack of trust, beyond just the fact of the police arriving on my doorstep. When I talked to her afterward and told her how what she did made me feel, she said she was sorry I felt that way, but if the circumstances were the same in the future, she would do the same thing all over again. She also said that before she called the police, she talked to some mutual friends to see what they thought about what she was about to do, and they saw nothing wrong with her plan. They thought it was a good idea. That told me that she would have no problem with calling the police again if I didn't keep in contact with her ALL the time, something that feels very constricting to me, and something I'm just not willing to do.
I wonder, however, if I'm not overreacting. I wonder if her calling the police that day didn't trigger something from deep inside me, something that I don't consciously remember. I don't know the answer to that yet, but I pray that God will show me, and show me soon. Not so much because I don't want to lose the relationship with Denise, but because I want to be sure I'm following God. I have a very hard time believing that my behavior in this situation is pleasing to God, but I don't how to do it any other way. I feel like I'm being propelled forward on this path by an unstoppable force that's under someone else's control.
So that's the problem I'm struggling with. I'm going to keep on praying about it, and seeking God about it, and trying to understand it, and hopefully somewhere, somehow, I'll be able to sort it out with God's help.
*Not her real name.
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