A Relationship Puzzle

Why am I trying to cut Denise* out of my life? I really don't understand my behavior in this situation. While it's true that she invaded my privacy and violated my boundaries when she called the police to check on me because she hadn't heard from me in ten days, it doesn't seem like that would be a serious enough intrusion to warrant  this level of reaction on my part. You'd think I would have liked it that she did this, but I didn't. I hated it. HATED it!! Now I'm avoiding her like the plague, and I don't understand why.

Is it because I'm trying to punish her? Am I trying to get revenge by shunning her? If so, why? What was so bad about what she did? Her only sin, if you can call it that, was to express caring towards me. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe it was the way she did it. But even if the way she did it was wrong, what about forgiveness on my part? As Christians we are called, commanded even, to forgive when we've been wronged. God forgave me for my sin (my sin nature), and all my sins (my sinful actions)--and I am a VERY sinful person, to be sure, so I can do no less for Denise and anyone else who does wrong towards me. The Bible even says that if I don't forgive her then God won't forgive me. I certainly don't want that hanging over me! The Bible also says that I'm not supposed to seek revenge for a wrong that was done to me. It says that's God's job. The thing is, I thought I had forgiven her, but I must not have, otherwise I wouldn't be acting the way I am.

But I AM acting like I haven't forgiven her and I need to know why. At least I think that's what my behavior means. To me, if I've forgiven her, that means I don't want revenge for what she did. And I'm totally unaware of any feelings like that. The only thought that goes through my mind is that I can no longer trust her, and because I can't trust her any longer, I can't let her be a part of my life. There's a reason for my lack of trust, beyond just the fact of the police arriving on my doorstep. When I talked to her afterward and told her how what she did made me feel, she said she was sorry I felt that way, but if the circumstances were the same in the future, she would do the same thing all over again. She also said that before she called the police, she talked to some mutual friends to see what they thought about what she was about to do, and they saw nothing wrong with her plan. They thought it was a good idea. That told me that she would have no problem with calling the police again if I didn't keep in contact with her ALL the time, something that feels very constricting to me, and something I'm just not willing to do.

I wonder, however, if I'm not overreacting. I wonder if her calling the police that day didn't trigger something from deep inside me, something that I don't consciously remember. I don't know the answer to that yet, but I pray that God will show me, and show me soon. Not so much because I don't want to lose the relationship with Denise, but because I want to be sure I'm following God. I have a very hard time believing that my behavior in this situation is pleasing to God, but I don't how to do it any other way. I feel like I'm being propelled forward on this path by an unstoppable force that's under someone else's control.

So that's the problem I'm struggling with. I'm going to keep on praying about it, and seeking God about it, and trying to understand it, and hopefully somewhere, somehow, I'll be able to sort it out with God's help.

*Not her real name.

My Anger or God's Love, That Is the Question.

I have a problem with anger. There. I've said it. I have a problem, a REAL problem, with anger, many times to the point of it becoming rage, and almost always expressed at myself. I've talked about it with a few other people--my counselor, a couple of friends, but most of the people who know me don't know about it, at least not the extent of it--how truly serious it is.

It's been a problem for me most or all of my life, and given the abuse I endured throughout my childhood, I suppose the anger I experience on a daily, almost minute-to-minute basis now is to be expected. But you would think it would be expressed at other people, not at myself, and it's not. It's all taken out on me, in the form of self-abuse, mostly. I hit myself, I swear at myself, I call myself bad names, I think denigrating thoughts about myself. If there's a way to beat up on me, I'll do it. I'll come up with it somehow. I've given myself black eyes before. I've been defacing my face for many, many years. I've caused minor damage to the edge of the retina of one of my eyes because of hitting the side of my head. It's only because of God's mercy and grace that it's not a lot worse. I can only pray that I'm able to stop doing it before it gets any worse or, God forbid, I go blind.

I wish I could stop being this way. I know it's not pleasing to God--I guess that's the main reason I'd like to stop, is that it's displeasing to God. Aside from that, God forgave me of my sin, so why can't I forgive myself? It seems like I'm setting myself up as an idol above God. If God, the Master of the Universe, the Creator of all things, can forgive me for my sins, then who am I to decide that they are unforgivable? Who am I to say that I'm better or bigger or smarter than God?

When I think about it, though, while I am angry at myself ALL the time, I'm angry at just about everything else as well. I'm angry at anything and everything that seems unjust or unfair in the world--and there's a LOT that's unjust and/or unfair nowadays, so it feels like there's a LOT about which to be angry. I get angry about things that happen during TV shows--for instance, things that happen to people on Criminal Minds. I know it's silly to be angry about stuff like that, because TV shows aren't real life, and the stuff that happens on them isn't really happening to real people, but even though I know that logically, I still get angry. Angry enough to yell and swear at the TV during almost every episode, silly as it sounds.

And the thing is, I take the anger that I feel towards all the injustice and unfairness in the world out on myself, as if it were my fault somehow. I don't know, maybe somewhere, deep down inside, I really do blame myself for it all, like I blamed myself for all the abuse when I was a kid. Somehow I should be able to change all that injustice and make it all better. I know that sounds ridiculous. There's no way that one person out of the billions of people on this planet could make that kind of change.

I'm not sure if that's any part of what's behind the self-abuse. I just know that when I make a mistake, any mistake, the tiniest, silliest mistake, I start hitting myself and calling myself the worst names. Lately I've become aware in the split second between making the mistake and the beginning of the abuse that I can make a choice. I can choose to hit myself and call myself bad names, or I can forgive myself and let it slide. But in that split second I can feel this lump welling up in my throat and I have to make it go away, and hitting myself will accomplish that.

So I pray that God will show me what to do about this. I'm sure that it's simply a matter of me responding more quickly to the choices presented to me--making the right choices more quickly so that the abuse cycle doesn't get started in the first place once the mistake is made. It's just so frustrating and hard. The Bible says,

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."~~I Corinthians 10:13, NKJV

So now I just have to figure out what the way of escape is, and why I'm not taking it, especially when God is providing it for me. I wonder if there's some kind of secondary gain that I'm getting out of doing this? I think that's a question I need to look at: Am I getting some kind of secondary gain out of abusing myself and holding on to all this anger and rage at myself? If there is I want to know about it so I can deal with it and let it go, so I can stop with the abuse. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm someone who God loves, so I really don't have the right to hate myself. Jesus Christ loves me so much that He endured abuse and torture on the cross and died for me, so I don't have the right to hate myself!

This is the choice I have to make: to believe and receive God's love for me, or continue to believe that I know better than God. I can't know better than God. He knows me better than I know myself, so my choice is that I believe and receive God's love for me. It feels like just words on the page right now, but maybe that's where it has to start. So, because God loves me I choose to love myself and no longer abuse myself...

The Four Big Bangs

Something I've been thinking of for awhile now, about what makes humans different than other creatures. What makes human beings special in all of God's creation?

I think what makes us different and special is that God has given human beings the curiosity to find out about the world around us, and the intelligence to be able to do the research to satisfy that curiosity. In addition, He has given us the ability to appreciate the beauty in the world He has created for us. I believe it is these qualities that set human beings apart from the rest of the animal world. I also believe that these two attributes--curiosity and appreciation--are interconnected with each other.

I think probably curiosity comes first: the desire to understand what makes the world work, what makes us as human beings tick. Then, once we've come to an understanding, partial though it may be, of the world in which we live, we can appreciate it for all its wonders--and we can appreciate the God who made it all. At least that's the way it is for me.

I've thought a lot about this, so I'm sure I'll have more to say, but for now I think I'll end here.

Evil is Good? Surprisingly and Perversely, Yes.

I never thought I'd say this, but there's a certain aspect of my childhood for which I'm actually grateful. What I mean by this is that what I went through as a child keeps me conscious on a daily basis of my sinfulness and need for a savior, something I don't ever want to forget.

I think we all need to remember that we are sinful creatures ("...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."~~Romans 3:23, ESV) and can do nothing without God's help. I am eternally grateful for God's love for me, and for Jesus' willingness to go to the cross for me, especially given that it was my sin that pounded the nails into His hands and feet on that cross.

It's difficult for me to fathom the kind of love demonstrated by Jesus. He chose to divest Himself of everything He had in Heaven--His majesty, His royalty, His title, His rights, everything--and come down to earth as a human person, a baby. He did that so He could bear my sins (and the sins of all mankind--I have no illusions that it's all about me) on a cross in the most cruel of deaths.

In addition, just living as a human being must have been an unimaginable change for Him. To step down from being the King of Kings, the Master of the Universe, the Creator of all Things, into a tiny baby's frame, with all the bodily functions of a human body--what a HUGE switch!!! In Heaven He didn't even have a physical form, and now He not only had a physical body, but He had all the functions that go with having that body. Eating, sleeping, yawning, crying, a stuffy nose and associated snot, peeing, pooping (sorry, but let's be real here)... You know, all the gross stuff human beings have to go through. The only thing he didn't do was have sex, because that would have been a part of the sin nature that He couldn't partake of in order to remain sin-free.

There's a song that Chris Tomlin sings; the title escapes me, but there's a line in it that pretty well encapsulates it for me: "He knows the depths of my heart and He loves me the same." God knows how black and depraved I am, and He continues loving me, no differently than if I were perfectly righteous. The mystery and beauty of that idea is so amazing to me that it makes me weep everytime I think of it, and it makes me want to fall on my knees in worship all at the same time. I just can't fathom it!

I could write for a very long time on this, but what I've said thus far says it in a nutshell, so I think I'll just post this.

THANK YOU, JESUS, FOR YOUR MERCY AND GOODNESS TO ME!!!!

Hearing And Hearing...

Why is it that I find it so hard to write? When I was multiple I had, amongst others, two alters. One was named The Secretary, and her job was to write about the goings-on of our system--to basically keep a journal about us. But there was another alter named Secret who's job it was to keep everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, about our life/lives a secret from everyone, including me. The problem with that is, the abuse isn't happening anymore. No abuse! There hasn't been any abuse since I was about twenty-one.

So we, actually I, because we got integrated into I way back in 2003, no longer have to keep things secret. So what's the need now? What is keeping me from writing now; what's keeping my words locked inside? And what is keeping my creative juices from flowing as far as art and crafting and music are concerned? Because I can't do any of those things either. Jeff is praying for me about these things during our sessions, and his prayers are having at least some success: I'm able to write here for the first time in over a year. Plus I have a idea for a way to keep me writing consistently and often, but I won't go into that now.

This is something that has bothered and hindered me for a long time, years even, so I'm going to keep exploring the reasons behind it until I'm able to fully express myself in all the ways God has given me to do so.

Enough of that for now. On to other things.

I read Romans Ten today. It was wonderful, as is the whole Book of Romans. The verse that stuck out the most to me was Romans 10:17, "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."~~ESV.

I've always loved this verse, but there's something about it that I've never understood: what is the purpose of repeating the word, "hearing"? That's always been a puzzle to me. I've heard it taught that the reason for the repetition is for emphasis--so emphasis on hearing? It still doesn't make sense to me, though maybe it does a little. Maybe it's about hearing the word of Christ over and over again.

Other Bible translations provide some help:

The New Living Translation says, "So faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ."

The New International Version says, "Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ."

Then as I was reading, the Parable of the Sower in Mark 4 and Luke 8 came to mind (Thank you, Holy Spirit!!). Jesus says that this parable is the most basic of all the parables, that if we don't understand this parable then we won't understand any of the parables (Mark 4:13). It turns out that the Parable of the Sower is all about hearing the Word of God, and the different ways someone can hear God's Word. The parable compares people to various kinds of soil, with the Word being the seed being planted therein.

So the upshot of it is, I need to practice being a better hearer of God's Word, and the first step forward in this endeavor is to get myself onto a consistent reading plan.

Onward and upward!!

Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness, So Does That Mean I'm Godly or Just Clean?

August, 2012
I'm cleaning out Mom's house, a long, hard task, and I have to do it pretty much on my own. So I've hired someone to help me, which is making it a little easier, but it's still hard. It doesn't feel like I'm just closing down her house. It feels like I'm closing out her life, like somehow she won't exist anymore once I'm done. Logically I know that's not true because all I have to do is go to her room in Shu Lodge to see her. But in the process of closing down her house I'm having to get rid of most of her furniture and clothes because there's no room for them in her new place.

The reason she has to move is because she had a very bad bladder infection that wasn't diagnosed until after it had already turned into septicemia, and as a consequence she spent two weeks in the hospital and another six weeks in a skilled nursing facility, with the final aftermath of the bladder infection being that her memory, and primarily her short term memory, is pretty much shot. It seems that all those toxins from the infection running around unchecked in her system because of the septicemia, especially for as long as they did, were highly deleterious for her body, and particularly for her central nervous system.

When she was finally able to come home from the skilled nursing facility, the powers that be at Westminster Gardens decided that she could no longer remain in independent living and she had to move to Assisted Living. They didn't consult either Mom or me about it--well, I can see why they didn't ask Mom, but I was a little distressed that they made the decision without talking to me about it. But they did allow me to choose Mom's new room for her, so I chose one just down the hall from Jeanette Parson, her best friend for over forty years from when we lived on Brigden Rd. in Pasadena. The reason they didn't consult Mom about the move was because they already knew she wouldn't like or agree with the idea, and they felt it was in her best interest health-wise to be moved to Assisted Living permanently. They were kind enough, however, to be the ones to tell her about the move, and to do it in such a way that right from the start she knew that she had no choice in the matter, that it was a done deal. I'm glad they were the ones who told her, because if I had had to do it, she wouldn't have agreed to it.

It's an uncommonly difficult process, this move, because Mom's memory is so bad since she got out of the hospital that sometimes she doesn't remember from one day to the next that she is moving, and some days she remembers that she's moving but doesn't remember where to, and some days she remembers everything. I never know what to expect when I go to see her at Country Villa (the skilled nursing facility). She doesn't like being there, so she says bad things about the other people in her room like they can't hear her and/or are too senile or stupid to understand what she's saying. This is upsetting to me because she's always so worried that other people will think she's senile, and she doesn't like it when someone ignores her and talks to me since she's sure they're doing it because they think she's senile. It just feels hypocritical to me, that's all, but what do I know? I could be wrong. I'm wrong all the time.

So anyway, the house is almost completely cleaned out, thank God, and I'm exhausted. Mom's old next door neighbors helped me buy the few new things she needed, and then a friend of theirs helped me arrange all the furniture I had chosen in her new room, and also helped by hanging all the artwork I'd picked out--what a blessing that was--and Mom got moved in to her new home in Shu Lodge. Now I have to sort out what I'm getting rid of and what I'm keeping for myself. The things I'm keeping are going into a storage space I'm going to rent locally. Everything else I'm either going to give away to whomever wants it or to the Salvation Army, or else it's going into the trash.

Thank God it's almost done! What an arduous task it has been! I'm so very thankful that it's just about complete.

March, 2013
Well, Mom has been in her new place for about eight months now, and she's adapted surprisingly well. Her memory is still very bad; it looks like that won't come back, unfortunately. But it's OK. It really hasn't been that hard to deal with. I always thought I would hate taking care of an elderly person, but it's actually all right. It may be that it's easier because she's my mom and I love her, I don't know. But whatever the reason, God is giving me the strength and the will to go on, and for that I am very grateful.

My New Bible

My new Bible, the Bible I've been wanting for months and months, actually almost a year, finally, FINALLY came. The reason it took me so long to get it is because I wanted a leather-bound ESV Study Bible, and they cost about $60, and I could never come up with the money. My intention is to use it as my Everything Bible--my Bible for, well... EVERYTHING! Over the years I've purchased a LOT of Bibles, and I do mean a LOT. I probably have in excess of twenty Bibles, and I don't use most of them. I've come to realize that I'm wasting a lot of perfectly good Bibles that people who don't have even one Bible would be able to use and treasure. So I've decided that I'm going to gather together all the Bibles I own and figure out which ones I do use, and then give away the rest to people who can use them. I haven't yet figured out how to locate these needy people. I guess I'll let God be my guide on that part, or maybe I'll talk to my pastor.

Anyway, this new Bible is SOOO cool. It has all kinds of features that I've never had in any of my Bibles before. It has forty different full color illustrations, some of them full-page spreads (covering two pages). There's one that's an illustration of Aaron's priestly garments at the end of the Book of Exodus that's really cool. I've always wondered what they looked like, and now, at the very least, I have a really good idea.

It has a concordance in the back, as well as a complete set of maps. In addition there are full-color maps scattered throughout the text of the Bible in appropriate places. There are a whole bunch of articles on subjects such as "Biblical Ethics: An Overview", "Reliability of Bible Manuscripts", and "How The New Testament Quotes And Interprets The Old Testament", to name a few. It also has a daily reading plan that has readings from Old and New Testaments, as well as Psalms and Proverbs. It also has a list of Old Testament scriptures quoted in the New Testament, something I'm sure I'll find to be extremely valuable. And probably the coolest thing of all is that, because I purchased a hardcopy of this Bible I get a free key-code which gives me access to the ESV Study Bible online. That includes the complete text of the Bible itself, as well as all the articles and maps. But it also has something else that I've never seen before, and that's the ability for me to make my own personal notes about what I read. That probably exists in other online Bible websites, but I haven't seen it.

So that's my cool new Bible. Now I have to start using it. About all I've done thus far is to underline a few of my favorite verses, mostly because I need to get a Bible cover and some marking pens. The last time I had a study Bible that I really used (my KJV Thompson Chain Reference), I had a set of colored marking pens. I had a system of underlining where I used different colors for different Bible subjects. I no longer have those marking pens, haven't had for years, and I need a Bible cover whether I have the marking pens or not.

The upshot of it all is that I finally got the Bible that I'd been wanting and desiring, even lusting after, if you can say that about something like a Bible, for almost a year. There were times that I despaired of ever holding it in my hands, but God is good, and now I have it. I've been playing with it (playing??) and looking at all the cool features and illustrations and articles. Yes, playing. And feasting, and rejoicing, and praising, and... and...

"Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD God of hosts."~~Jeremiah 15:16, ESV

I LOVE God's Word!!!